My mom, doing a crossword puzzle, asked me for a rapper named Dr. ___. I replied Dre, and she said “oh yeah I forgot about him”. She has no clue how funny this is.
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Cat: *purr*
Me: Good morning!
Cat: *headbutts me* *purr*
Me: Aren’t you the sweetest thing!
Cat: *kneads me* *purr*
Me: Yes, I love you too!
Cat: *plots my gruesome death* *purr*
Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.
Being a parent means calling your parents to apologize for your past behavior
How enormous was the spider I just found in my bathtub? It put down its Kindle, grabbed a nearby towel, and muttered, “Does nobody in this house knock?”
Pilgrim 1: God blessed us with a new world, but now what do we do for our starving families?
Pilgrim 2: Let’s put belt buckles on our hats.
[sitting in the front seat of an UberPool while a couple makes out hardcore in the back]
[at a red light, the driver and i suddenly lock eyes]
me: do ya wanna…?
uber driver: no
my dentist hates when i call him a face gynecologist
Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.
There are people who will follow you for your Avi, so either look cute or put a pizza pic.
*breaks into a McDonald’s at 2:00 am*
*fixes the ice cream machine*
My mom could not make it over for dinner tonight…. Anyone want to come over and sit at the other end of the table and keep yelling out “stop eating so fast Tony”
*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*
20s wristband:
After hours club.50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.
[the middle of showering] I need a break
if humidity has a million haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 100 haters l, i am one of them. if humidity has 10 haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 1 hater, i am that hater.
Interviewer: I don’t think you’re a good fit for the job.
Me: [glances up from Game Boy] What makes you say that?
Saying “let me show you how it’s done”
– arrogant
– condescending
– vibe killerSaying “this is how we do it”
– it’s Friday night and I feel alright
– the party’s here on the west side
– so I reach for my 40 and I turn it up
– designated driver take the keys to my truck
[boiling pot]
dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
*peeing*
I should get outta bed now, I guess.
Forgot to use a coupon my wife gave me so now I have to hide it like it’s a dead body.
[principal’s office]
“Your child’s previous school indicates you’re a bit of a helicopter parent.”
Velociraptor: That’s got to be a typo.
me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree
my cat: *whispering* and also within
Overheard 10 plan her b-day party with her BFF, including renting several hotel rooms for a mega sleepover.
Somebody tell her, I can’t.
How can my wife’s hands not open a jar of pickles in the day, but become superhuman vice-grips at night when I want some covers?
*gets waitress’s phone number*
*texts her before meal is over*
“Napkins????”
Mom: “Why are you always on your phone? What’s so great about the internet?”
Me: It doesn’t constantly ask me questions
The sole purpose of a potato masher is to prevent you from opening a drawer.
“1-1-9, what’s your non-emergency?”
Caller:
“Just kidding, you dialed it right. Thought you could use a laugh right about now.”
Can’t believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up
The only good thing about people who wear too much cologne is that they’re easier to set on fire.