contractor: I finished installing the secret entrances, death ray, and crocodile moat. all that is left is the payment
super villain: no
contractor: right, should’ve seen that coming
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Dear trick-or-treaters: Would it kill you to say “thank you” when I hand you a freshly made egg salad sandwich?
People buying plungers never look like they’re in a good mood.
two people or more is called a problem
*throws penny in fountain for good luck
*penny seems upset and doesn’t want a second date
If you slept with my husband I’d be like “OMG how much do I owe you?”
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.
Hey pal, you wanna take this outside? *me & the guy from the bar scoop the bug up on a napkin and set it down gently on the grass in front*
Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.
Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.
Me: I’d like to apologise for my behaviour
Host: No need, you haven’t done anything wrong
Me: I haven’t started yet
umbrellas are great if you only wanna get wet sideways.
I bet the person who named the fireplace also named the waterfall
Once this giraffe adoption comes through, my days of cleaning gutters are over.
Most people use photoshop to create amazing art or graphic design. I use it to make fake Doritos flavors.
Ugh, accidentally shared my private google sheet of perceived slights I’ve endured at potlucks, how’s your Monday going
People should come with disclaimers like:
May cause drowsiness or
Will end up sleeping w/your bf or
May induce homicidal ideations
My girlfriend wants me to stain the new wooden fence in her backyard. So I’m going to eat spaghetti over it for a few weeks
“Fed-Ex is coming to kill us all!” ~my dog
My head feels like something Picasso would have drawn.
Jan – Nov: depressed
December: depressed but with tinsel
If you know, you know 😂🚔
when someone messages me a minute after i login to work
Me: I’m totally getting used to this
Husband: getting used to what?
Me: you know not doing my hair, and stuff
Husband: again getting used to what?
[Silence]
Me: I hate you
Just remember, we are all just 1 small prescription away from riding a unicorn.
I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.
Did you just call me a boombox? Eugh that’s such a stereotype
“I’m not going to eat anything today”
“Pie?”
“Please”