Me: I’m having unusual urges!
Doc: Perhaps we should take you off that medicine.
Me flipping his nose: I’m not taking any medicine you silly goose.
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“Name?” queries the Starbucks barista. The almighty feathered serpent Quetzalcoatl only sighs.
Did you ever notice how Smokey the Bear is always steering the conversation towards the subject of forest fires? Should we tell someone?
One day a guy named Matt banged a waitress and nine months later a mattress was born haha just messin around on this website.
Hey Mommy can you spend an hour building this intricate race track only for me to tell you I don’t want to play with it after all?
-every kid ever
Why do New Yorkers constantly think New York is the only place that has things?
they should invent a type of situation that improves.
If snot was currency we’d all end up paying through the nose.
the best thing i’ve ever made
So after 75 long days, this week is finally over
I wanna meet the person whose parents are super disappointed he went to medical school instead of becoming a stand-up comedian
“You probably can’t even tell, but there was an incident with the shower curtain”
Tom Cruise has signed on for Mission Impossible V. His impossible mission is trying not to show up on everyone’s gaydar.
Life can change in an instant. Hug the people you love, and appreciate what you have, before it’s gone.
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
*slips the attendant $20* “make sure you pick me out a good one”
Sir this is a daycare…
“uh huh *winks* a daycare”
Unless your vacation pics contain a shark attack please keep them to yourself.
ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.
maybe bears omly like honey so much becuase their throats hurt from all the growlimg they do
If anyone is thinking of fighting me, just know I cook bacon topless.
Me: *lets a radio active spider bite me*
[hours later]
Me: * uncontrollably eating bugs* THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE DEAL
*at July 4th cookout*
3: Mommy, where is America? Why isn’t she at her birthday party?
Me: [explains the concept of a country]
3:
3: So where is she? Does America have legs?
Me:
*gets ‘knîf’ and ‘fork’ tattooed on my knuckles so I remember which hands to use when dining with the queen*
The Constitution says nothing about it being illegal for cats to carry firearms and this worries me immensely.
This is your brain-
*holds out egg*This is your brain on drugs-
*puts egg on ground, spins it while shining lazers on it*
ME: so what do you do for a living
HER: I work for a moving company
ME: where is it today?
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: I’m half horse, half Isaac Newton
Professor X: oh… ok. listen, we don’t have any openings right now bu-
Me: they call me The Centaur of Gravity
Professor X: welcome aboard
i think they should have thrown one avenger in with all the scientists in oppenheimer. just one little tiny scene where oppenheimer, feynmann, and fermi are sitting around like “well, what do you think, Ant Man?”
Couldn’t remember the word ‘ostrich’ earlier so I called it a giraffe chicken.
I’ll write ‘not unlike’ as if I’m being payed by the word.