If I wanted to drive my wife insane, I’d secretly raise a colony of bees & place one new bee inside of her car each morning for ten years.
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Seriously this lawyer has shouted enough about the case he’s on that I could go on Westlaw dockets,find the case, call opposing counsel, and let him listen to the strategy call.
I love when Scandinavian people on internet forums are like “Sorry for the bad English, I still have a considerable amount to learn about your language, again I apologize for my diction which is likely quite malformed,”
Hello 911.
“He’s back what do I do?”
Brent?
“Yes”
It’s the just the mailman remember
“Ok, sorry.”
Bye
“Wait, he put something in my mailbo
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid😭😂
Saw a video for vegan cauliflower icecream on fb and heard the four horsemen of the apocalypse thunder overhead.
After reading some marriage tweets I’m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.
Me: [my mouth full] I didn’t know you guys did edible arrangements
Florist: we don’t
“Haiku is 5 syllables, 7 syllables, then 5 syllables”
No, it’s literally 2 syllables
Yes but what if Donald Trump IS actually dead but his toupee is alive and steering him round like a marionette?
We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits
COWORKER RECENTLY OUT OF THE HOSPITAL: i blew a tire on a mountain road and crashed thru the guardrail, rolling end over end down a cliff into a creek. i was trapped for hours upside-down & near death until a man walking his dog found me and called 911
ME: what kind of dog was it
I’m happy my date didn’t snoop in my medicine cabinet but sad I spent an hour setting up 40 ping pong balls in there for nothing
*watching my wife’s bra moving up and down on the floor by itself*
ME: Hon, wtf?
HER: push up bra
I have 2 small kids, so yes, I bought the Costco-size box of Snackpack chocolate pudding…
to hide in the back of the fridge & eat alone
“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers
“Don’t kiss or snuggle backyard poultry,” CDC warns in salmonella alert.
The best part of an argument is the make up sex…unless you’re fighting with your brother.
I prefer the Easter Bunny, for starters, he’s not making a list and checking it twice, and more importantly, he’s not watching me when I’m sleeping.
It’s amazing how many errands I’m willing to run when family is in town. No, no you relax. I’ll go.
I saw Van Gogh’s “Starry Night” hanging in a trailer I went in today, but I couldn’t get up the nerve to ask if it was the original or a print.
Cop: where were you between 5 and 6?
Robber: kindergarten probably
Day 4 of quarantine: I’ve gained 796 pounds.
Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.
–Moms
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Uses all fours to walk up a flight of stairs.
My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.
I’m so hungry I could eat an apple
“Cool.” was my spouse’s text reply to me getting our Pearl Jam tickets today.
So anyway, after I bury the body in the back yard, I have an extra ticket if someone wants to go.
What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?
Nothing. He was STUFFED!
Deeply concerning if literal: Last Christmas I gave you my heart.
When I pack too much for a short trip.