Him: I started dating a younger woman…. She’s sixty-five.
Me: And her parents are OK with this?
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Why would a straight guy hate gay guys?
Here’s a group of men who look better than you.. but don’t even want women.
You should be glad.
A surprise Hunger Games competition for everyone who makes eye contact with me today in the office.
Responding to my friends being honest: “Man, I appreciate you.”
Responding to my kids being honest: “Man, can’t you lie about lunch being good just for today??”
Me: ” I’m gonna wrap my bear legs around your head”
Him: ” You mean bare?”
*Me looking at my untouched razor*
“Nope”
Welcome to your 40’s. Each year, you need to hold your phone another inch farther from your face.
her: You look really good.
me: Thanks! That’s a really cool pen. Where did you get it?
I turned out ok for someone essentially raised by Bugs Bunny.
All animals are wild animals if you give them tequila and lift up their t-shirts.
Thanks for coming to my TED talk.
You didn’t say anything.
Yes, you’re welcome.
“It’s a bird!”
[Superman zooms down to inches away from the screaming guy’s face]
S: Birds can’t go that fast Sean. What are you an idiot
When your friends are on their phones, but you ran out of things to check
*wakes up from 20 year coma*
SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI
Sometimes, late at night, I’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
A spider just fell from the ceiling and landed right in front of me and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in my cubicle.
My favorite part about parenting is hearing things like, “Mom, you have eyes like a mongoose” from my 8 year old.
Oh sure, a guy spends 3 days in complete isolation and when he comes out, they call him “messiah”, but when I do it, they call it “job abandonment”.
At conference w/ teacher
Me:…what’s wrong with how 7yo spells states?
Teacher:(to 7yo) spell Ohio
7yo: Ohio, O-H-I-O, Ohio
Teacher: good, now spell Oklahoma
7yo: (sings) Oklahoma, O-K-L-A-H-O-M-A, Oklahoooooooma, YEAH!
Teacher:
Me: what? That’s how I learned it
#Dadlife
Customer is always right
If you do blood curdling screams and run your fastest zig zag patterns I bet you could make it out of a store with at least forty seven eggs
Boss pissed me off at work today
Might microwave a tuna sandwich and leave early
If Russia prepares for war the way it prepares for the Olympics then we have nothing to worry about.
Girl: I want bangs
Me: I want a stylist to get my hair as close to antlers as possible. Make me look like a young prince of the wooded glen
Saw someone from high school. She said she hadn’t seen me in years. That’s likely because I’d always seen her first.
Vacation Bible School is a phrase that gets less exciting for kids as each word is introduced
[climbing inside trojan horse]
general: NO, THE WOODEN ONE!
doctor: I’d like to give you something to help your anxiety
me: whose side are you on?
[first day as doctor]
me: you haven’t been getting enough sleep
patient: how can you tell?
me: *tapping x-ray* no spiders
Throwing away any pizza crust is bad enough, but my son’s friend threw away a stuffed crust and he is no longer welcome in this house.
Prostate exams do suck but I appreciate how thorough my dentist is.