I made a mix tape for a girl in the 90’s & she responded by giving me a blank cassette titled “What I Like About You”.
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Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
My wife wants to be something really scary this Halloween so she’s carrying around a tape measure and asking, “is this a load bearing wall?”
When I was a kid I was afraid to drink kool-aid because I didn’t want a giant hole in my wall that I had to explain to my mother, like, could you imagine?
Formaldehyde implies the existence of casualdehyde.
Wife: I made you an appt. with the eye doctor
Me: [spreading cream cheese onto Destiny’s Child CD] MY EYES ARE FINE
Love it when I see the sign:
“You must have been born before 1999 to buy tobacco products.”My oldest bra can smoke now.
I’ll bet my mom’s up in heaven right now, smiling, thinking, “Wow, it was really nice of them to let me out of hell for the day.”
I’m never gonna tell the person I’m meeting up with that you said hi.
Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.
My vocabulary can beat your vocabulary’s ass, arse, bum, buttocks, rear end, booty, backside, tush, tuckus and badonkadonk.
it’s amazing when it’s ur birthday 🙂 u really feel the love from family, friends, lovers, former dentists, yoga studios and various smootheries
PERSON: “You don’t have kids!? How old are you?”
ME: “31.”
P: “That surprises me. I’d be lost without my kids. I mean, how do you find meaning in life?”
M: “Marvel keeps coming out with films… so I have that.”
I’ve learned something today – “dibs” is not the appropriate response when your best friend announces their divorce.
Could sum up all Indiana Jones movies with ‘finding old stuff violently.’
I got my kid these awesome new bath toys so obviously she spent the whole time playing with a shampoo bottle
They should make statues of regular people. Like you’re walking through the park and there’s a statue of your friend Jeff
nyc:
if i were Will Smith in iRobot, i’d simply defeat the robots by asking them to identify which of the following pictures contains a bicycle
The person who named Red Delicious apples should never be allowed to name anything again.
Now that the sleep paralysis demon is trapped in my head, he’s starting to rethink his decisions
airports are so funny. like “oh you’re flying across the country? would you like to hang out in a mall first”
Becoming a parent changes your whole life.
One change I was not expecting was that whenever I sit down, I release a hormone only my child can detect that causes him to ask me for something.
My sense of direction can only be described as unacceptable.
One thing they teach in nursing school is when your patient is being questioned by police, to step in with “that’s enough for today, he needs to rest” right after he gives a key piece of information, but one sentence short of him telling the whole story.
Atheists are Popeless romantics.
Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational tweets are hard.
*on a first date*
Her: so nice to finally be out with someone normal
Me: aw thanks
*turns to the waiter*
Me: do you have pony meat
I broke my finger yesterday. On the other hand, I’m okay.
me: [getting stabbed]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [on fire]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [screaming for help]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [taking a dump while eating string cheese]
dog: [head between my legs] so whatcha doing
It was nice of Microsoft to put their name on Excel after satan created it.