“I am a gift to this earth.”
[Earth regifts me]
“I am a gift to KELT-1b of the Andromeda Galaxy”
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I’m sorry I need to take a break from investigating this brutal murder to have a glass of red wine in my sexy, silky, expensive matching lingerie set that I wear every day under my police uniform because I’m a lady detective, and that is what ladies do.
Mommy! I cleaned my room. Come see!
*walks past big pile of toys and books in the hallway*
“Great job, sweetie!”
My kids pissed me off so much I bought some overalls to wear every day in public when they’re with me.
Jaws is exceptionally funny if you just imagine the shark is trying to be friends with the guys on the boat and they keep running away.
Bought $200 sunglasses.
Lost them in 15 minutes.Bought Walmart sunglasses.
Had them for 238 years.
“If decorative towels can be a thing then decorative grills can be a thing”
~Me buying a cool looking copper charcoal grill that I don’t really need.
I hope my company doesn’t😂😂
You act like no one at work has ever asked you to apply ointment to a bunion before.
“Jurassic Park” is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
Priest: may God rest his soul
*casket begins to lower*
*I start clapping*
*everyone looks at me*
Me: sorry was that not the end of it
A super villain who foils all your plots, but your plots are just lasagnas and he makes them cook super unevenly.
Date: describe yourself to me in three words
Me:
Her: Make me a mimosa.
Me: But we’re out of orange juice.
Her: I don’t see the problem.
[crime scene]
*detective snaps pics of murder victim*
Corpse: delete it
Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.
4yo: Can I have powder on my pizza?
Me: You mean parmesan cheese?
4: I don’t like cheese. I want powder
Me: *Gives parmesan cheese
4: *Happy
I have friends close enough to finish my sentences, but if they keep doing that, I will hang up on them.
[Burgler walking around our house] Have…have I been here already tonight?
hate sitting down at my favorite diner and having the waitress i’ve known for 15 years come to pour me coffee but i notice that her usually steady hand is shaking, tipping me off to a hostage situation that i will be forced to resolve with a combination of guile and violence
New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.
Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.
“Poor” is an odd word because when you put it in front of “people” it’s sad but when you put it in front of “bladder control” it’s hilarious
Interviewer: What are you passionate about? I want someone who’s full of passion. Passion is so motivational.
Me: I’m passionate about a paycheque, sir.
If you can’t handle my interpretive dance to November Rain than you don’t deserve me doing splits on the hood of your car to Whitesnake.
Understand men, or die trying.
Or try dying.
Or quit trying.
Or lie crying.
Or cry tweeting.Or tweet trying, to understand men.
A polite way to call someone’s baby ugly is to say “Oh. He looks just like you.”
Men over 35 are terrible at sharing their momma’s secret recipe for her most requested dish.
And now we wait.
i wear corduroys on every flight so that if we crash these thicc thighs can create the fire we need to survive.
Just said something embarrassing at a party. Prob should leave but I live here
ME: What’s the first rule of bite club?
DRACULA: Is it biting?
ME: That’s right, Dracula, it’s biting.
RATTLESNAKE: [quietly to himself] I was gonna say biting.