If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
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Every time I raise my arm a little, a falcon lands on it. It was super-cool at first, but now I’m starting to get annoyed.
Bae: Come over.
Romeo: Can’t. You’re a Capulet, I’m a Montague.
Bae: Deny thy father and refuse thy name; come over.
Romeo: Also, you’re 13.
roses are red, violets are blue
*arnold schwarzenegger voice*
tell me who is your daddy
and what does he do
tv host: and you’re all going home with a copy of his new book!
me: pfft i am NOT learning to read for that guy
When I hear the phrase “Freudian slip” I immediately imagine Sigmund in a revealing, yet tasteful nightgown. That can’t be healthy.
Never tell a woman you’re infatuated with her. All she’ll hear is “fat”.
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
8: does my meal come with puppypuffs?
me: wut
8:
me: OH hush puppies?
8: oh. Yea
listen closely
Humans are 60% water.
Water is 60% sharks.
Humans are 24% sharks.
More like “wife is home” vs “wife’s not home”.
Oh, man. My grandma caught me texting my OTHER grandma and now things are super tense.
Dumped girl on The Bachelor: “What’s wrong with me?”
Well, Lindsay, you’re on a TV show to find a husband. What ISN’T wrong with you?
Bone Doctor: Make 3 changes to your diet. Up calories…protein…and foods high in calcium.
Me: *eyes light up* So cheese, cheese and cheese!
“Please use handrail. Or you know what? Go on, break your neck because you didn’t use the handrail just to spite me.”
-if my mom had been the recorded voice at the airport
My wife just put down a magazine & said “I have to stop reading this article because the author said she named her son Gideon.” ❤❤❤
[high school]
ME: *getting stuffed in my locker* jokes on you buddy, I have snacks in here
Actually parents are supposed to steal their kid’s Halloween candy; that’s how you prevent cavities.
I can’t get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and If I leave now I might lose their trust.
Cleaning out the clutter in my house / garage, so if anyone is in need of a spouse that snores and kids that don’t listen, they’ll be out front.
I’m not lazy
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.😁
Judas: *Betrays Jesus with a kiss*
Gospel Writers: Alright, no more kissin dudes
Hear me out.
The first parent to school pick-up gets to pick the best kid. The well behaved one without the snotty nose.
The last parent to pick-up gets the feral child.
It’s a system I think would work.
For Christmas my wife gave me a coupon for “Swimming with Sharks.”
I got her a coupon for “Bungee Jumping.”
We both have a death wish or we have been together too long.
I’m most like a dog when after someone has hurt me I won’t get too close to them again.
Also when I’m eating food that fell on the floor.
They say every piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off of your life expectancy. So according to my math, I should have died somewhere around the spring of 1483.
What Swiss Army Knife attachment do I use to put those holes in cheese?