*I describe my lost cat to the cops*
Sketch Artist: *draws my cat*
Detective Dog: *adds WANTED DEAD OR ALIVE beneath the picture*
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Pro tip: Doing the worm into your bosses office makes him forget what he wanted to yell at you about
Danny Devito’s full name is Daniel DeTotototototo.
ME: Hmm. My biggest weakness? Tough question. I guess some people say I’m delusional
UBER DRIVER: I didn’t say anything
We’ve secretly replaced Janet’s coffee with melatonin capsules. Let’s see if— okay yeah, she noticed. She looks pissed. Sleepy, but pissed…
Jellyfish husband: I have to work again this weekend.
Jellyfish wife: Just tell your boss he can’t force you to do this every weekend.
Jellyfish husband: You know I can’t do that.
Jellyfish wife: Oh FFS grow a spi…
Jellyfish husband: GROW A WHAT LINDA
Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids
when people say they’re into genealogy I pretend to be interested, but deep down I know magic lamps aren’t real
Lmao
Just yelled “F, YOU GUYS!” to my students.
Another perk of being a music teacher…
My baby: Blabalaba! Bolababa!
Me: Yeah, that’s a fair point – I guess it’s really a personal choice, not a matter of figuring out one best practice for everyone. Thanks for talking this out with me.
I gave my baby a teething toy so she would stop chewing on my fingers.
She wasn’t interested because it didn’t scream out in pain.
If we’ve gone swimming together you can be certain that at some point you’ve swam through my pee
Yes I am sort of famous you may recognize me from being invited to say the pledge of allegiance over the school speakers in third grade
Kid: Would you rather be invisible or be able to fly?
Me: Be invisible.
Kid: To fight bad guys, right?
Me, imagining breaking into a cheese shop and eating all the cheese: Totally.
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: Did you read the class description wrong?
Me: No, why do you ask?
The parrot on my shoulder: No, why do you ask?
[science fair]
Kid: I made a volcano!
Judge: *trampling children* EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: Why? What’ve you got?
[thanksgiving dinner]
mom: no politics tonight
everyone: absolutely
me: this casserole reminds me of the bolshevik revolution
Bob was hungry. He ripped open a new bag of tortillas only to discover a convenient, resealable opening on the other end
Them: if lemonade has real lemons in it, do you think gatorade has actual gators in it?
Me: *drinking poisonade* oh shit
GOD: I call this Tupperware
SATAN: remember when I let u crash at my place and u said u owed me one
G: yes
S: make the lid a little smaller
Just watched my husband flick a stink bug from the ottoman and I am not okay.
How many bugs have just been relocated and not removed?!?
The best way to get a job is to hold the other person’s hand through the interview. If you don’t get hired, no worries. You made a friend.
Don’t you hate it when you’re on your way to join the circus and you accidentally get married and have 3 kids?
My kitchen overserved me.
[end of a job interview]
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If you could become half robot, would you do it?
Him:
Me:
Him: Which half?
If you call all the priests “daddy” you don’t have to go back to church.
I’m very sorry for your loss, but do you know if this funeral home has wi-fi?
*catcher puts 1 finger down*
*pitcher shakes head*
*puts 2 fingers down*
*nods*
(catcher to umpire)
“can we take a break? he has to poop”
Buddhist monks often spend decades searching for nirvana but that’s only because they don’t know how to block someone.