[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought
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[at the airport]
Customs: Do you have any drugs in your bag, Ma’am?
Me: Sure. What can I get you?
According to Marie Kondo, we should get rid of anything that doesn’t spark joy. By that logic, I should just quit my job.
[doing yard work] (evanescence guy voice) rake me up (evanescence girl voice) rake me up outside
[my wife looking at me through the blinds] oh god he’s singing again
I eat my corn on the cob like an old-school typewriter. This is how the 80’s cartoons taught me to do it as a kid.
COPS: We know you killed him
ME: I didn’t do it!
COPS: really? *starts playing Shakira*
ME: wait no
MY HIPS: HE’S UNDER THE FLOOR BOARDS
My husband got *me* a fitness game for the Nintendo for Christmas.
I was like “what are you trying to say?”
Now the kids are at level 130 and wearing themselves out daily while out of my hair.
Turns out he’s a great gift giver.
if I had a girlfriend I’d cook a giant scallion pancake in the shape of a poncho just to keep her warm
friend: I have cancer
me: (remembering that laughter is the best medicine) lol
Be carefully which minty aromatic
plants you accidentally step on.Thyme wounds all heels.
Soccer has such a high risk of injury. The other day, at my son’s game, I crushed my finger folding up a camp chair.
Now’s a good time to change your facebook name to “Nobody,” so when you click like on ignorant statuses it says, “Nobody likes this.”
one last job
9y/o~poking finger on my face.
Me(yelling)~dont touch me with your finger
Later~glad he got loophole now what to do with a foot on my face
[last supper]
drunk jesus: *swinging baguette wildly* You want a piece of me!?
looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs
Facebook’s great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago
lawyer: mr bond your ex-wife just needs to sign the divorce papers
wife: anyone have a pen?
james bond: here you go. make sure you click it 3 times.
w: thanks…why 3 times?
jb: its an old pen
w: its a bomb isnt it!?!
jb: *from outside* ₜₒₜₐₗₗᵧ ₙₒₜ ₐ ᵦₒₘᵦ
Me: Sometimes I wish I wasn’t shy and introverted
Alcohol: I’VE GOT GREAT NEWS!
*time traveler returns from 2021*
“Everybody’s at home, day drinking and proving they’re not robots or cats.”
the “b” and “d” in “backward” are really just there as an example
My cat swallowed a ball of wool a few months ago and just gave birth to a litter of mittens
Boss: Are you asleep?
Me: Sorry, must’ve dozed off
B: That’s unacceptable!
M: I apologised, didn’t I ?
B: And where are your pants?
M: *shrugging* I always sleep naked
You know that button in the elevator with the fireman´s hat on it.
Turns out that is not the button you press to get a fireman´s hat.
“What a nice doggie.”
“I’ll have you know it’s not a doggie but a pure bred.”
“YOU HAVE A DOG MADE OUT OF BREAD??!!!!”
I may not be perfect, but at least my cat loves m—oh he’s just hungry nvm
My tween, who wanted money, told me I don’t look a day over 41. I’m 40.
I dated a girl that wore a mood ring. When happy it would be a pretty blue colour. When she was mad it made a big oval mark on my forehead.
Them: You have a weird sense of style
Me: *takes off glasses* Rude
Them: But true
Me: *takes off second pair of glasses* Give me an example
Most people like a little something to remember you by.
Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.
dryer: permanent press
me: ah yes. of course i know what that means.