Grandma just made me go across the street to pay the neighbor kid because she forgot to pay him to shovel her driveway….35 YEARS AGO. The man is now in his mid to late 40s.
You Might Also Like
Worst Friday the 13th ever. Someone stole the baby Jason from our nativity set.
Boss [handing me a memo that says N O T I C E at the top]: Have you seen this yet?
Me: Yep.
Boss: What do you think?
Me [giving the memo another feel]: Haha it definitely isn’t.
went fishing caught a bass
The nicest piece of exercise equipment I own is a stationary bike. It’s actually a regular bike, but it never moves because I don’t ride it.
A friend with benefits would just be a bestie with a laser hair removal salon for me.
first day in the secret service. all the guys hazed me into kissing the president
7-year-old: I found a penny.
Me: Good job.
7: How many more do I need for college?
wife: *handing me a bowl of raspberries* we have to eat these before they go bad
me: that is true of literally every food
True
I don’t know when the apocalypse will happen.
All I know for sure is my son will still have 4th grade math homework due the next day.
there there son
*crouches down & wipes his tears*
its ok, dont go crying over spilt mil– YOU GOT IT ON THE XBOX!? no NO. call 911. CALL 911
Just realized I only had one meal today. One, thirteen-hour meal.
AMERICA:
Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka
Pretty sure HR is going to be paying me a visit, thanks to the CW that emailed to thank me for “all the services I provided them”.
You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
Cannibals.
And also a fork.
*on a 1st date*
Her:..and I have 3 cats
Me: Swipe left
H: Did you say “swipe left”?!
M:
H:
M: *panicked whisper* swipeleftswipeleftswipeleft
Springtime ants in the kitchen. Go get mother her killing flip flop.
My wife is furious that I phoned the police about some kids selling homemade lemonade in the street. Specifically “they’re not hurting anyone”, “it’s not illegal” and “they’re our kids”
i finally quit drinking for good
now i drink for evil
We’re having company over today, so naturally my husband is helping me prepare by looking for the soil testing kit that he bought over a year ago.
Yes, of course I love French films.
Have you seen Rugrats in Paris?
Leaving your home without your smart phone is modern day camping. You’re out there in the wild with no way of making contact with anyone, roughing it up on your way to pick up dry cleaning.
If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish
wife: everyone at buffalo wild wings is staring at you
me: i’m sorry if i like using a fork and knife
wife: on your coke though?
trust me bro, no woman has ever looked at your tinder profile and gone “i wish he was holding me like he’s holding that fish”
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I’d want to know who’s paying.
I bet you’re wondering why I pulled you over
Me: I cleaned under the fridge and there were a bunch of Honey Nut Cheerios
Wife: How do you know they weren’t regular Cheerios???
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: *drinks water*
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
You’re in a room with a murderer and someone who makes sandwiches with the crust end of the bread and you have 1 bullet. Who do-
“Bread guy”