Good guy: *kills henchman*
Henchman: wow
Good guy: [to bad guy] I’m not going to kill you, that would make me a murderer like you
Henchman: WOW
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[seance]
wife: “if there are any spirits here please show us a sign”
me:
wife:
me:
wife: “keith, say something”
me: “im scared”
[glass starts to move on ouija board]
H I S C A R E D
me: “goddamnit dad”
I have Buzzfeed blocked for 20 reasons: number 18 will shock you
Gnats are the most enthusiastic bugs, always out here performing a flash mob right in front of your face
Do we still do thirst traps threads? I’m having a really good bellybutton day and it’s totally going to waste
Friend: Whatcha up to?
Me: Just chewing my toenails.
Friend: Gross! But congrats on the flexibility.
Me: *reaching into bowl* Flexibility?
You tell me to get off my high horse? Why dont you tell the damn horse to stop getting high all the time.. His drug problem isn’t my problem
Here’s the complete list of must have items for a middle aged woman when travelling away from home:
– Tweezers
If you rub chop sticks together its a sign of disrespect but if you use them to play a bitching drum solo much honor will come your way
surely THIS is the salad that will undo months of fast food and alcohol
[1st date]
Him: What do you do for fun?
Me: I like pretending I’m someone else.
Him: Wow? You do impersonations?
Me: No, I steal identities.
MILLION DOLLAR IDEA: An alarm clock that sounds like a dog’s pre-puke warning grunts.
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Oh Lord Hashtag Lol
Pirates invented the diving board but get no credit
There’s hangry, and then there’s fasting for blood test hangry.
Me: I’ve always been good at cosmetology. I have a nose for it.
Mortician: Please put that back.
restaurant hosts will be like “let’s sit them at table 26Bq105” and then a server will just be like “ok follow me”
“Spring is in the air” I proclaim as I hurl a Slinky at your head.
Wife: So, I really need you to help out this week, because I’m super busy at work.
Me: Mmm hmmm
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: *thinking about opening a restaurant for cats* You need me to buy super glue and a wok. Got it.
*2 ghosts walk into a bar*
That’s it.
Everyone left screaming.
They say a glass of water before meals helps curb your appetite. I’ve found donuts also work very well.
5: I miss Mama’s food.
Me: oh, sweetie. That’s so nice. I’m sorry I haven’t cooked more lately.
5: I said Mama Fu’s. The place with the Ninja noodles.
Me: oh.
5: Haha, you thought I missed your food.
[At a restaurant]
*phone rings*
Ugh, these are way worse than onion rings.
“By night’s end, one of these teams will be the victor.” Thank you for that breakdown, Bob Costas. I was worried they might all die instead.
Helping my daughter study for her geology exam, and apparently ‘hard’ ‘classic’ and ‘punk’ AREN’T the 3 different types of rock.
Who knew.
Wife: I’m thinking of taking the kids away for the weekend
Me: All of them?
Wife: Yes, both kids
Me: I meant all of the weekends
Wife:…..
If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.
I hate when I skip lunch and come home and inhale my kitchen
On Facebook:
Them: Look! We’re at the beach!
Me: Look! I’m in your house!
Twitter’s fun because everyone’s really cynical and snide about everything except *checks hand* … wrestling? that can’t be right
Me to my husband: Why do you insist on bringing that up? That was in the past.
Husband: It just happened.
Me: But it was in the past.
Husband: It was five minutes ago.
Me: In. The. Past.