Science Lesson: A baking dish that’s been in a 400 degree oven, is also 400 degrees and you shouldn’t touch it.
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Me: I made the best decision at that time with the information available
Narrator: he plugged his ears and said “la la la la” at the time
Blind dates are the best because they can’t see me stealing all of the food from their plate
You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
[approaching a person with a service dog who’s wearing a “Working: Do Not Pet” vest]
Me who is different and likely not target audience of sign: Hi, can I pet your dog?
Added some new forms of payment to this store…
Me: Time to give the undergoblin the Ol’ Razzle Dazzle…
Gynecologist: We’ve talked about this…Please, stop.
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.
Teenaged girls post pics of their bodies and they’re ‘sexy.’
I post pics of my bodies and I’m a ‘Serial Killer.’
*weighs self*
“Shit”
*takes clothes off*
“GODDAMMIT”
*takes tampon out*
Assorted bandaid box-
3 in a size you need
12 you can make work
35 round to weigh box down
*ironically creates weapon from olive branch*
Am I religious? Not really.
Am I praying nobody else pukes tonight? Lord yes.
I gotta work hard because my feet pics are unsellable
My dog has been looking for a spot to shit since 1958.
“I SWEAR I DON’T KNOW WHERE THEY KEEP THE TREATS, PLEASE, I HAVE A FAMILY”
Wife to 4yo: How did you get your shirt so dirty?!
4yo: Because lunch.
Back in my day a “selfie,” was something you did with the door locked and a bottle of lotion.
I was 14 on tumblr stressed af about net neutrality, I ain’t even know what the shit meant
I forgot to take my meds so I’m looking forward to joining the squirrels in the tree to talk politics
Why in the hell would I clean my bathtub? I put soap and water in there every day…
DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does
Me: What’s wrong?
Wifi: You’re obsessed with the internet
Me: Give me one example
Wifi: Look how you’ve spelled wife
[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name
HER: [parallel parking] i’m so bad at this
HIM: you should probably get tested
HER: lol it’s not that bad
HIM: i have chlamydia
tamagotchi my fitbit
owners
🤝
trying to keep a weird
little guy alive
Two sales people approached me at the furniture store. I’m following the one who called me Miss. The Hello Ma’am one should take note.
I saw the Cheesecake Factory trending and thought it died.
Oh, I see you’re an extrovert. Sorry, we can’t be friends. I already have a friend who’s an extrovert. One of you is enough.