Maine is beautiful and calm.
Stephen King: Hold my balloon.
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I’ve broken all my New Year’s Resolutions so now I’m moving on to laws of nature.
If my girlfriend hired cheaters they’d just tell her “the whole goddamn day, he looked up from his phone twice and once it was to sneeze”
Interviewer: tell me about your leadership skills
Me: YOU tell ME about my leadership skills
Interviewer: holy shit, you’re hired
Me: I’m sorry, we have to let you go
Interviewer: dammit
Don’t talk to me about multiple universes I have enough trouble keeping this one running.
10 out of 8 mathematicians recommend improper fractions.
My version of dry January is just trying to see if I can get through the month without any poopcidents. So far it’s been an epic fail.
Dr Suess isn’t that special. watch this:
I’m mad and sad and doing very bad
We’re living in two Stephen King novels. The Dead Zone and The Stand. If clowns show up I’m done.
Polite way of saying gfy in unwanted DM 😉
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities
me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room
Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.
*curtsying before the royal duck court*
M’allard!
1: Can I do the cancan?
2: You mean may, not can
1: Can I do the canmay?
2: No, the first can
1: Can I do the maycan?
2: No. May I do the cancan
1: No
Men in suits look really successful until you find out they work for the men in T-shirts and jeans
an ear doctor’s practice called “hear, here” somebody write that down
[showing off my distressed jeans]
jeans: AHHHHHHHHHHH
Murderman V. Another Murderman: Dawn of Murdering
#BatmanvSuperman
Patient: There’s blood everywhere. It was horrific.
911 Dispatcher: And you said the hypnotist did this?
Patient: I think so. I was asleep.
911: Any idea what set him off?
Patient: I dunno. He just snapped.
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I know, please stop saying that
(after first date)
*Hey, can you recommend any of your friends.
Meanwhile in Paris.. 🙏
Wife: why are there 8 knives on the ground?
Me: *points to the dead spider* it was self defence and that’s exactly what you’ll tell the cops when they get here
The Human Body Is 90% Water, So Basically We’re Just Cucumbers With Anxiety” – Science Person
When you get a “Your Package Has Shipped” notification as soon as a shipping label is created that’s like the business equivalent of sending a “I’m walking out the door now!” text when you just got out of the shower.
Don’t tell me I’m not charitable. This weekend I gave away a lawn mower, a grill, and a full set of patio furniture.
My neighbor is PISSED.
Who’s drunk
*raises leg
Couldn’t afford a large screen tv this Christmas so I kept my current one but moved the couch 4 foot closer
if you do what you love you’ll never work a day in your life because you’ll be unemployed
I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.