General: Why is the whole battalion yellow and slimy?
Me: I mustard the troops.
General: …
Me: Just as you told me to, sir.
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God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know. I’m just kidding with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name lol.
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
Perfection.
“I’M COLD!” yells the teen who is wearing shorts & a tshirt in 40 degree weather & ignored his mother when she said to dress warmer.
My 4yo asked if the tooth fairy pulls your teeth out in your sleep, and I deserve an award for taking the mature not-funny path of telling her “no”.
“Are you a cop? You have to tell me if you’re a cop.”
“I’m a cop.”
“So you’re a cop AND a gun dealer? Random, but okay let’s do this shit”
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if each time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE OVERCOOKING THE SALMON.
hate seeing people i know in public. go to a different public 😫
Just got 30 orange oval stickers printed that read NOW HAMSTER FREE
I’m putting them on all the meatloaf packages in this supermarket
Me: Okay 2 it’s time for bed
2: NO! Mommy go to bed
Me: Okay*goes to bed
excusing myself in the middle of a date to go to the bathroom and baby-wipe down my whole body. to keep it weird.
Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?
Me: Looks like someone got toad again, LOL
Snake: *bites me*
I would thrive as a castle guard. Leaning on my spear. Leering at wenches. Move along. Hail citizen. Halt. And so on
Ancient proverbs say “Nobody sleeps when the cat’s bowl is empty”.
My girlfriend is so crazy she even traced down the girl who once kissed me in kindergarten.
Painting safety tip :
When house painting from a ladder,
never step back to admire your work.
I left my phone at home and had no idea what to do with my hands while I drove
snowmen are one of the cutest things about humanity tbh. like oh it snowed? why don’t we make a little guy about it
If the future is now, then how come the pizza I’m gonna order later isn’t here yet?
JUMPER ON BRIDGE: Stay back, I just want to end it all
GOOD COP: Please, you don’t have to do this
CAT COP: *slowly pushes him off bridge*
Sometimes the fudge you bought on vacation turns out to be soap, but never the reverse. That’s how vacations work.
After sex, I take the condom off and make a balloon animal for the lady.
“I can’t hear you because my eyes are closed.”
– my kid, showing off my exemplary homeschool skills
My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.
My weird paranoid neighbor, shreds all her mail and closes all the shades.
But never locks her basement window.
Me: Time to give the undergoblin the Ol’ Razzle Dazzle…
Gynecologist: We’ve talked about this…Please, stop.
Boss pissed me off at work today
Might microwave a tuna sandwich and leave early
Had to put a scarecrow on my wind farm ’cause crows were eating all the wind.
Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?
Writing some Valentines, do girls prefer to be called “slick” or “chief”???