[2 Humans who definitely aren’t lizard people at Denny’s]
1: I sure am glad they don’t have newt brain on the menu
2: Right on, fellow human
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Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep…….
My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.
Them: you have an attitude problem
Me: it’s not a problem… I like it
Me: I’m 29, I’m not that old! I have my whole life ahead of me.
Me around a 20 year old: I am the grim spectre of death. I have seen empires rise and fall like the endless shifting dunes. Time has no meaning.
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
[at an umpire’s funeral]
me: i’m so sorry. how did he die?
mourner: STEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-ROKE!!
ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking, please fasten your seatbelts i wanna try something
For fun I like to text all the men in my phone, “she has your eyes, can’t wait for you to meet her” and then I sit back and wait.
*tucking t-shirt into tighty whities*
Time to seize the day.
My optimism doesn’t come out of thin air. A flask is involved.
Toddlers be like, we can do this the hard way or the harder way.
In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.
Things that won’t save you:
– Love
– Art
– Books
– Philosophy
– PoetryThings that will:
– Watching a seagull pretend like they’re innocently walking past someone at the beach but at the last second they steal their sandwich and fly away and the person chases after them yelling.
The older I get the less I care about bringing all the groceries inside in one trip
[In football huddle]
“What do you guys think happens when we die?”
Just did a 15km row which is my all time personal best and was feeling pretty good about it until I realised that I’d left the fox and the chicken on the same side of the river.
Just went to get coffee in the break room and the pot was empty. So now, I have to wait for someone else make another pot. Such bullshit.
is this how new cars are made??
I smoked a pack of cigarettes in 6 hrs, I don’t think your kale will save me.
me, a police sketch artist: is this him?
witness: did… did you glue macaroni on the paper?
ME: *scattering remains* He loved this park.
PARK RANGER: But…but he hasn’t been cremated!
ME: *lowering axe* Cremated?
Your Hunger Games name is the last injection you got plus the last thing you stepped on. I’m Tetanus Woodscrew
who sleeps with a chair next to their bed that’s like asking for a dead family member to wake you up at 3am asking what you’re doing with your life
[at a store]
Me: What can you tell me about those sunglasses?
*sunglasses loudly arguing about politics*
Clerk: Well, they’re polarized
My Life Alert bracelet says: “don’t let them get away with this”
My 4yo is asserting dominance by calling me by my full name. I don’t like where this is going
If you play a Microsoft CD backwards, you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, because if you play it forwards, it installs Windows
Don’t worry, you’re not the first person to misinterpret my flirting as food poisoning
me: where do I pay
doctor: on your way out
me: I don’t know if I want you at my funeral