I packed 8 pairs of underwear for a 4 day trip to Vegas. I don’t know what kind of trip I think I’m gonna have but fingers crossed I have it!
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If a neighbor rolls up in a golf cart to your new house, he’s either the really fun neighbor or he’s your new HOA overlord.
“I just called to say I love you.”
-Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work
hey parents who say “someday your kids won’t want to be around you”
… when can I look forward to that starting?
i’m wearing a jetpack to my job interview tomorrow so if they turn me down i can disappoint everyone there by just walking out calmly
I accidently invited people to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
Cauliflower’s mom: you can be anything you want baby
Broccoli’s mom: [arranging marriage with cheese] this is all you get, sweetheart
In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it’s space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?
Flight attendant: The pilot has had a heart attack! So who can fly the plane??
Me: omg *nudges wife* I love riddles
I set my GPS voice to Mom, and now when I miss a turn, it says “Your sister wouldn’t have missed that.”
Hell hath no fury like a woman who ALREADY TOLD YOU WHERE THE SCISSORS ARE
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
“God is good all the time!” Yeah. Not you though, Russ. You sucked for 55 frigging minutes.
One of the best compliments I ever received was when my brother told me that Mystery Science Theater 3000 was “basically like watching a movie with you.”
I hate it when I’m by the window and make eye contact with someone outside, so I understand why this lady is shocked to see me up a tree.
If your smol dog fren beelines for me, running across your yard, do not yell for him. If this is how I die, mauled by a floof, so be it.
Wife: Who is the prettiest of my friends?
Me: your mother, why?
W: Stop acting like you’re 12.
M: (thinking) I dodged that bullet again.
Please stop praying for my grandpa u are making him too strong. He broke out of the hospital & cops say their tasers don’t work on him 🙁
Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.
How much for the angry lawn gnome?
That’s my toddler.
Men statistically have larger brains than women, which is why men are usually smarter and elephants rule us all from their laser-hovercraft
*Holds my sweatpants like a ball gown when I walk up the stairs*
I wonder if the disciples got mad when Jesus got promoted to god like,
disciple 1: who did he have to heal to get this job?
disciple 2: his dad owns the company
My teen daughter wants me to “hurry up” getting ready to go somewhere and ain’t this some karma
Can someone help I just stepped into an elevator with Slayer and they won’t stop staring
*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers
*watches slowest jousting match ever
me, age 21: *pulls an all nighter* yay!
me, age 37: *sleeps the whole night* yay!
I keep hearing about kids accidentally dying from trying to get an asphyxiation high.
What happened to drugs, kids?! We still have drugs!
The Cheesecake Factory had a “Help Wanted” sign. I was really disappointed that it wasn’t to help eat the cheesecake. #FluffyChickProblems
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
Ok, all you people who adopt dogs and put “who rescued who?” stickers on your car… you drive me crazy!
Clearly it’s “who rescued whom?”