“Ok, I know this is creepy af but check this out..”
-first taxidermist
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My son has about 12 seconds to learn patience.
Meanwhile in Heaven…
Steve Jobs: [demonstrating device] You can listen to hymns, download prayers, create prayerlists, and manage your souls. I call it the iGod.
interviewer: why did you leave your last job
me: because my boss said he was going to call the cops
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women, “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re out with their significant others
Opened the bathroom cupboard and a bunch of feminine hygiene products fell out on me.
It was a tampede.
What idiot called it a pig thief and not a ham burglar?
[plastic surgeon holds mirror up to my face]
ME: What happened!? I’m a monster!
DOCTOR: We had to postpone your surgery.
That awkward moment in the confessional when the priest says “Thanks for that mate. I’m actually the cleaner. Wait til the lads hear this!”.
I’m directing a psychological thriller called my twins are running against each other for student council.
Me: sorry I get a little twitchy when people touch my feet
Podiatrist: *bleeding profusely from the nose* I see that
How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?
Ask Hugh Hefner.
If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.
cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
me *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
Remember being a kid and writing “FiretrUCK” everywhere, thinking your parents wouldn’t get it? My dad just figured it out and spanked me 🙁
Pro tip…Excessive use of alcohol can cause memory loss or worse memory loss.
Nobody needed expensive gym memberships in the 70s. They had rotary dial phones.
Why throw it in the hamper when I can throw it on a chair that’s 2 feet away from the hamper.
– My husband
Women who say getting married was the best day of their life have obviously never had 2 Kitkats fall out of a vending machine by mistake.
“Dad, what’s a coworker?”
“Someone you block on social media.”
Too ugly for insta too stupid for twitter too stiff for tiktok
Like Carrie at the prom but it’s just me after a spaghetti dinner and too much red wine.
Things the GOP has battled this week:
1. Ethics
2. Intelligence
If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old
He threw his hands in the air.
And he waved em like he just didn’t care.
In hindsight, he was the worst airplane runway guide we ever hired.
oh you’re an industrialist? name 5 cheesecakes manufactured at cheesecake factory
Them: How long can you hold your breath?
Me: 20 years, apparently.
I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.
I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.
*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*
“People want to drink a panic attack.” — inventor of 5 Hour Energy
“Do you know how fast you were going?”
75 in a 55. I’m sorry officer.
“Get out of the car.”
*Cop cuddles driver*
“Stop doing this. I worry.”