Wait a minute…
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he said he adored my imperfections.
and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????
Things I’ve Learned From Horror Movies:
•Don’t have sex, you’ll die.
•Don’t leave the group, you’ll die.
•Don’t be black, you’ll die first.
When the vet gives my cat a pill vs when I give my cat a pill.
I don’t want to brag, but January was a decent year for me
How often do I make chemistry jokes? Periodically.
I actually told one the other day. There was no reaction…
Real terror is the moment when you realize you’re about to sneeze with sore abs
Does anybody want a cat? Free to a good or average home
*putting 4 to bed*
Me: we’re going to have a better day tomorrow, right?
4: no
Me: I just mean there was too much crying and whining today… so let’s try less crying and whining tomorrow
4: no, I won’t do that
Me:
4:
Me: ok, good talk
4: no
someone very mysteriously dumped 3-400 pounds of pasta in the woods in old bridge, nj …… i need to know everything
Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts
Grab and smash, smash and grab such is time spent in a mammogram
Apparently, when you have an open relationship you’re supposed to inform your partner. But this is new for both of us, especially her.
The difference between HOA & HORTA is one’s a lava monster that will melt your face & the other’s from Star Trek.
[in bed]
Me: Don’t you love being on top?
Date: *peering down from top bunk* this isn’t what I had in mind
Me: shhh, you’re gonna wake my mom
nothing makes me want to hold onto the stuff I no longer use more than when my wife tells me she’s putting it in the garage sale
“It’s a bird!”
[Superman zooms down to inches away from the screaming guy’s face]
S: Birds can’t go that fast Sean. What are you an idiot
band: THANKS FOR COMING OUT ANY LAST REQUESTS
crowd: [shouting songs]
me: HAVE U SEEN MY KEYS
fedex guy: here’s ur package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
When the ex asks to be friends… it’s like your mum telling you that your dog is dead but you can keep it.
Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…
Me: YES!
[mysterious old lady flips tarot card revealing a dude who looks exactly like me flying a hot air balloon into power lines]
Me: is that good
Wile E Coyote: I can’t get rid of this headache
*TNT explodes*
*anvil drops on his head*
*bus flattens him*
Dr: it’s probably stress-related
[heaven]
ME: so about those footprints…
GOD: footprints?
ME: from when you carried me
GOD: wasn’t me
ME: well then who—
GOD: *shivers* that’s some spooky shit
Women love a man who will look at them like nothing else matters, except for when you’re doing it through their bedroom window, apparently.
One of the most unforgivable sins is spilling your coffee because you’re texting while driving.
I need someone to pretend they’re coming round, so I will burst into life and actually clean this stupid house.
I’m so glad the Met gala is back because after all the sadness and introspection of last year I can once again ask “What is this event exactly” and “Who cares” and “Why do I know this is a thing”
Me: do you like my new hairstyle?
17: oh – did you do that on purpose?
I never sit around waiting for anyone except for the pizza delivery guy..him I’ll wait for
Put those painful memories somewhere the mind can’t see them.
Alcohol: *ears perk up*