Welcome to working from home. Something is now always being sawed, mowed, or jackhammered at your neighbor’s house.
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Yes liquor stores are essential businesses, today it was essential that I get port to go with my cigars.
Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.
Ghosting is such a fun word for something so sad
Like put away your big white sheets and throw away your casper dvds gang we’re going to play with abandonment issues
Eve: I’m hungry
Adam: wHy dOnT yOu hAvE aN aPpLe
Eve: not this again
Why are hemorrhoid and diarrhea so hard to spell? Like if you’re talking about them, you aren’t having a rough enough time already.
Ghosting my landlord by hiding in the walls and haunting the property when he tries to have someone else move in
I once matched with a guy on a dating app who had climbed Mount Everest. Twice. And he was still single. Using an app. That’s how hard dating is holy shit
Toddlers be like, we can do this the hard way or the harder way.
I hope the aliens aren’t good at basketball. My chances of making it into the NBA are already slim.
you have three unread messages
Licked a frog once.
He didn’t turn into a prince but he did turn into an ambulance ride.
*walking into store*
Him: You need a cart?
Me: No, I’m just getting 2 things.
Him: *rolls eyes, grabs cart*Marriage level: Expert
Hey girl are you the supply chain? Because despite extensive explanations I do not understand what is wrong with you
she died as she lived: screaming “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HAVE ANY OF YOUR SCREENWRITERS EVER MET A HUMAN WOMAN?????” at her computer screen
Did I sled down the hill? You bet I did.
I paid for for the sled.
The kids weren’t doing it right.
And it was my turn.
If you see a baby locked in a car break the window and put another baby in there, he’s probably lonely.
My wife and I divided up the important talks we’ll have with our daughters.
She’ll handle puberty, sex, and college.
I’ll handle zombies.
Salon: would you like to receive haircut reminder texts?
Me: no thanks. I have a mirror.
*Held up the grocery line because the card reader couldn’t read my Apple Watch*
Elderly Man behind me: (Exhales) Let’s move this along, future boy
MEDIC ALERT BRACELET:
Do not resuscitate. Erase the selfies on my phone or I will Amityville your house.
A gorgeous woman’s been staring me down from across this cafe for an hour. The wildly handsome man directly behind me must be super jealous.
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you think that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out of the cover the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
“WTF MAN?! You’re why Star Trek is better.”
If you’re blowing a horn at me, you’d better be in a band.
Instead of onlyfans I spend all my money on onlyfood
washing hands before coronavirus:
– turn on water
– quickly rinse fingertips
– look at soap
– turn off waterwashing hands after coronavirus:
– turn on water
– climb in sink
– cover entire body in soap
– take a few swigs of soap
– mind meld with soap
– you and soap are now one
Australia: geologist beaten up by “angriest octopus” on beach
I planned to leave my body to the local medical school for them to train on and practice with, but the students successfully petitioned against it as a gross violation of their human rights.