*dents another car while parking*
*leaves note under windshield wiper*
“Material possessions are ephemeral and evanescent. Move on. I know I have.”
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I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….
…..I just love smell of campfires.
Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.
My kid asked me what day of the week it is and I wish she wouldn’t ask me such hard questions
*phone rings*
“Yeh hi who’s this? Sure he’s here hold on.. Drastic Measures! Call for u.”
“Who is it?”
“Drastic Times”
*crowd goes wild*
You can’t tell me there’s anything better than ear plugs, I simply will not hear it
Continental cheese: We used a process unchanged for 600 years and aged it in a cave for two years
British cheese: We briefly scared a cow
American cheese: We fed some descriptions of cheese into an AI engine
Only two things are certain: death, and Princess Diana’s face on at least one grocery store magazine
When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “Please forget.”
Me:
3yo:
Me:
3yo:
Me: well?
3yo: the DVD player is not for waffles
Me: the DVD player is NOT FOR WAFFLES
I help my husband move furniture by saying “Oh my goodness, you are so strong” and “a little more to the left” and “so so strong” and “you know what, I liked it better the downstairs”
She’s carrying a torch for you because her flamethrower’s in the shop.
Me: *To my 5YO* Can I have your Twix? Those were my favorite at your age.
5YO: They used to make Twix when the world first started?
Why can’t there be nostril pattern baldness?
Star Wars movies now feel like when your dad caught you smoking and said “Oh you like cigarettes? Well now you’re gonna smoke a whole pack.”
Things that are more painful to step on than a Lego:
1. A gas pedal
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
My grandma used to tell me that video games were bad for me while she drank her gin in a cloud of unfiltered cigarette smoke in her home that was made solely out of asbestos.
I just literally fell INSIDE a public toilet because I did too many squats earlier and couldn’t control my sitting down. This is the greatest proof I’ve ever had that fitness is not worth the struggle.
[Old lady] Please dont pet my dog. She’s a service dog
[Me] Omg I’m so sorry (stands up straight & salutes dog) Thank you for your service
I didn’t like you in high school, I don’t like you now. #WhyIDontUseFacebook
I write vampire jokes but they never see the light of day.
but your honor, i said “lol” afterwards
“NEVER MIND, WE GOT ONE.”
What do we want?
“A TIME MACHINE.”
When do we want it?
You can let me hold your baby I won’t drop it. If you think I’m the kind of person who would drop a baby you’re flat wrong. And if you’re the sort of person who believes unsubstantiated rumors about me dropping babies, well I just feel sorry for you.
For some reason I’m an extremely secretive
person. Don’t ask me why
Just tell me which one is wrong, the password or the username!! Don’t make me have to guess.
If you put on BBC news and told me it was Downton Abbey, I’d watch for like 20 min before I asked “For real, tho?”
My wife made me coffee this morning & winked at me when she handed me the cup. I’ve never been more scared of a drink in all of my life.
estão todos miauvindo?
People who think it’s okay to drop by,
It’s not okay. If you aren’t carrying an Amazon box for me, do not even consider ringing my doorbell for I will hide from you even after we make eye contact through the window on your walk up the sidewalk I DGAF.