I forgot my earphones this morning and for a moment I thought wouldn’t it be great if my audio book had subtitles
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Bet sidewalk and fireplace were named by the same person
[Shop class]
Satan: Whatcha makin’?
God: Trust. Man can use it to form lasting bonds and friendships. What you making?
Satan: A bong.
No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.
Her: Have you seen the salsa?
Me: Yes. I must have left it in the bathroom
Her:
Don’t be rude, if the person in front of you in the Starbucks line isn’t concentrating, sweep the leg, step over them and keep the line moving
Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.
Husband: What is today?
Me: I’m in no mood for your riddles today.
Some woman in this swimsuit department just said, “summer bodies are made in the winter” so I strangled her with my new beach wrap.
“As CEO of Tortoise Enterprises, this merger with Slug Corp is… Linda, where is everyone?”
“They all called to say they’re running late”
boss: what are you doing this weekend?
me: more like who 😉
boss: *sigh* who are you doing this weekend?
me: no one 🙁
5 year old niece to me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Me: Let’s not rush things, OK?
I follow ripped guys around the grocery store and just buy what they buy
Not to say my family is messy but I’ve had two different Roombas escape out the backdoor.
Me [drunk]: gimme a bloody mary
Employee: sir, this is a haunted house
Me: m’bad. Gimme a bloody mary bloody mary bloody mary
realizing i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
m’lady
I’m going to bed and my hair looks amazing; I feel like the woman in every mattress commercial.
I love playing catch with my dogs when I’m drunk, because I don’t have dogs when I’m sober.
Anyone ever notice how the word “opinion” looks like “onion”, and how if you cut into either, people start crying?
I spent a lot of my childhood worrying about wearing red clothes and being chased by cows
I’m as useless as the top two buttons on a Greek mans dress shirt.
The Masters would be a lot more interesting if there were starving alligators roaming through out the golf course.
(car dealership)
Me: Cargo room?
Salesman: No, car go outside
1978 was all about running home when the street lights came on and dressing in the closet so my Shaun Cassidy posters didn’t see me naked…
My belly popped the button off my pants today so don’t tell me my quarantine-cation was uneventful.
*remembers company is coming*
*checks all the garbage cans, switching out Walmart bags for real trash bags like some sort of rich person*
I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.
Ladies, it’s 2019. Don’t wait for a guy to call you. Be proactive. Text him. Find your mutuals on FB to message. Kidnap his entire family and don’t release them until he goes on a second date.
The best baby age is when they say “baby” when they see another baby as though they themselves are not in fact also a baby.
What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?
13 seconds of eye contact.