I’m not an alcoholic. I only go to the liquor store every day because they ask to see my ID & therefore must think I look young & pretty.
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*Googles Yahoo*
Google: Wow. I’m right here
Ever notice how much easier it is to be nice to people when they’re leaving?
The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”
I whispered back, “bring pizza”
Me: [auditioning for the new Thor movie] Mjolnir, mjolfar, wherever you mjolare
I believe that mjolheart does go onMarvel Exec: Get out.
🤣
I have three kids. I should be terrified of sex.
[on the phone]
Me: *whispers* I think my CW knows I’m high.
CW: You know you’re talking to a banana right?
Flavor Flav: do you know what time it is?
Audience: WOOOOOOOOO
Flavor Flav: I SAID DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?
Me: *normal speaking voice* 9.37pm
Me: “This new flavour of Pringles is horrible.”
Wife: “You’re eating a tube of tennis balls.”
In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.
[leaving Whole Foods]
wife: Can you believe we only spent $100?
*bag rips*
*apple falls out*
me:
wife:
me: Well that was a waste of $100
Marriage tip: If your wife says “I didn’t do it” what she means is “You did it”. Accept it and don’t worry that you don’t remember doing it.
Me: *at the children’s museum* they seem so life like
Wife: those are our children
“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”
NURSE: Do you drink alcohol?
ME: No
NURSE: Do you do drugs?
ME: *sigh* No
NURSE: Are you sexually active?
ME: *just starts crying*
Quoting famous dead people on the internet is stupid.
~Confucius
me: do you take walk-ins
dude at the crematorium: what
I bought black-out curtains on Amazon Prime day. It’s noon and my husband is still asleep.
So either he’s dead or they really work. 10/10
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
going to rock bottom do you guys need anything
Getting colagen injections in my lips next week ’cause, you know, ’tis the season to be Jolie.
Sex is a lot like Twin Peaks: I’m not 100% sure what’s going on, but I like it.
DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!– how I threaten my kids
I may be small, but so is a grenade.
spiraling out of control, anyone need anything?
Bedroom door opens.
Dog comes in.
Bedroom door closes.My wife’s way of saying “She’s your dog” without saying a word.
All generalizations are stupid.
Didn’t realize “bottomless” mimosas referred to the drink and not the dress code, my apologies to everyone in this airport.
A chicken running a marathon wears Ree-bokbokboks
me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in
wife: is it a bird?
me: yeah
mangled superman: