H: I feel like you are ignoring me
M: trust your feelings
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How to tell if you’re wearing too much Axe:
1. Are you wearing Axe?
No- Good.
Yes- That’s too much.
Wife: You guys never eat the food before it goes bad!
Also my wife: *buys 40lbs of grapes because they’re on sale*
I still can’t believe it when someone in the bathroom stall next to me is talking on the phone
I mean, who TALKS on the phone
Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants
If stores want to accurately market clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be lying on the couch by 5PM.
My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
Explained how to make an April Fools Day joke to Miss 9.
“Mummy, you look pretty today.”
If you’re on the fence about becoming a parent.
*narrows my eyes at you suspiciously*
*keeps narrowing them*
*closes them entirely*
[naps]
Mouthwash is too spicy!
*waters it down with Mayonnaise*
For my lower body, I do 30 squats and 30 lunges. For my upper body, I put on and take off my sports bra.
I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿
I’m not sad, I’m big moaned
[5 PM]
Me: Put your homework in your backpack.
Child: I know.[8 PM]
Me: Put your homework in your backpack.
Child: I know.[Next morning, 6 AM]
Me: Did you put your homework in your backpack? Child: I will.[8 AM]
Text from child at school: you won’t believe this
Coworker deserves an Oscar for how hard they pretended to work on this project. 😒
Stages of going to bed:
1. I won’t stay up too late.
2. Oh no.
*checks watch*
*gets up off toilet*
I don’t have time for this shit
The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.
[freezing huddled around fire]
Dont worry I brought blankets to keep us warm *throws blankets on fire* that should last a good half hour
When a woman asks you to smell something, it usually smells good.
Men on the other hand…
I been hollering for the past 10 minutes 😂😂😂
Forgot to pack tights so I’m wearing yoga pants with my dress and a long sweater. I look like a crazy cat lady.
“Will.he.was”
-Will.i.am’s tombstone
*the force awakens*
*the dark knight rises*
*they make eye with eachother adn realize they were sleepig in the same bed*
AHHHHHHHHHHHH
If history has taught us anything, I’d be surprised.
Dear trick-or-treaters: Would it kill you to say “thank you” when I hand you a freshly made egg salad sandwich?
The first thing you must do when arriving at any beach is write I AM OKAY in rocks just to let any planes passing overhead know that you don’t need rescuing.
I don’t understand why you guys complain about never being able to finish a tube of chapstick, it usually only takes me 2 or 3 bites.
The order the Star Wars movies are being released is based on the order in which Yoda would count from one to nine.
My goal weight is:
2020 never happened.
Me: We’re ordering pizza.
8-year-old: This is the best day of my life!
Me: We order pizza every week.
8: I have lots of best days.