So my drug dealer just died. I’m thinking about going to his funeral to, you know, network.
You Might Also Like
“I am Daenerys Targaryen. The Unburnt. Mother of Dragons. Breaker of chains. Que-”
Job interviewer: Three references is fine.
walk through life confidently like a NYer does through a red crosswalk signal
moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend
Bakers who don’t wear underwear are going commandough
Mr. Miyagi: It鈥檚 simple Daniel san, wax on, wax off
Daniel: Yeah, but your back hair, bro?
I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.
Gas stations be like:
Here’s some complimentary filthy water and a filthy sponge/squeegee so you can “wash” your windshield. You are very welcome.
In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:
1) Going on vacation
2) Taking my family
I realized I was taking too long to get my toddler her food when she started growling at me
[at interview]
“ok 1st question you’re on a submarine you find a dog, what do you call him”
umm
“…”
subwoofer?
“welcome to the navy seals”
Still complaining about the guy with a million followers taking credit for your tweets? Never had a boss have you?
*driving away from a heist*
guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping
I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.
The real miracle is that the human race still exists after being stupid enough to kill the guy who could turn water into wine…
Idiots.
Who called them riverboat casinos and not dealerships?
Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.
[restaurant]
ME: My compliments to the chef.
WAITER: I鈥檒l certainly..
ME: Tell him his ass looks fantastic.
sandra bullock is a menace oh my god 馃槶
9: How old was I when I was 3?
me *grabs hammer* *smashes college fund jar*
DOCTOR: I鈥檓 afraid I have bad news
ME: can you tell me what it is
DOCTOR: no I鈥檓 still too scared
Until zoom life I had no idea how many people dig in their ear.
*Time travels to the Garden of Eden*
Serpent: Eat the forbidden fruit
Me: WAIT
Adam and Eve: *Staring*
Me: You gotta wash it first
Don’t wait until tomorrow to be a good person. Wait until next Thursday
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like: “If the leopard gets lost in the hedge maze, play Sade and he’ll find his way back.”
Me: Can鈥檛 you just hot-wire it?
Apple technician: No ma鈥檃m, your phone actually needs the passcode.
I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.
“No, no. No! NO!” – guy who invented black ski masks after people started using them for robbing
Dont be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.
Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!