Me: I’m not getting older. I’m getting bitter.
Autocorrect: Did you mean “better”?
Me: No.
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I just remembered that Sun Chips made a fully biodegradable bag and people were like “this sucks, it’s too loud” as if Sun Chips consumers need a tactical stealth corn snack. Like buddy you’re eating sour cream and onion chips not infiltrating Bin Laden’s compound.
Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks
we tend to look past the fact the happy birthday song was probably written by someone who forgot a gift & came up with that song on the spot
date: i love a guy who isn’t afraid to curse during sex
[later]
me: *yelling* avada kedavra
Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *
* Looking for my gloves in the shed
I’m Asian. We literally have no wrinkles until we wake up one day with the jowls of a Saint Bernard.
never staying in an air bnb again. this couple from colorado is taking me to small claims court because i accidentally opened a portal to hell in their basement
pls suprot
I’ve never been sucker punched but I have had someone pick up the land line when I was trying to connect to dial up, so same
two loaves, one loaf
two elves, one elf
two leaves, one leaf
two hooves, one hoof
two gloves, one glofno more questions
If you can diet in October around all the Halloween candy-you’re either dying or practicing witchcraft.
Side effect of quarantine is it’s really hard to end phone calls. Twice today I almost said “okay I have to run” before realizing there is nowhere to run to
If I suddenly had the ability to teleport, I’d spend an entire day popping up naked in front of people and asking for John Connor.
HOT SINGLE GRANNIES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOU TO LOOK AT HOW TALL YOU’VE GOTTEN
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: *throwing up blood*
Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?
*Arrives in Hell*
Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math
TEENS IN THE 70S: let’s protest war
TEENS IN THE 80S: let’s protest capitalism
TEENS IN THE 90S: let’s rage against the machine
TEENS TODAY: let’s eat laundry detergent
ME: [staring off into distance]
HER: what’s wrong?
M: nothing
H: talk to me
M: it’s just…that bus in Speed would’ve never made that jump
I’d totally shake what my momma gave me but abandonment issues aren’t really a tangible physical manifestation…..
Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*
Husband: *cries*
Love triangle? You mean this Dorito?
A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.
{First Day at FedEx}
me: tosses crystal vase onto wrong porch from 30 ft away
manager: wow you’re a natural
My “Game of Thrones” is just me running around the mall looking for a clean toilet.
“He seems kind of rude”
“Oh no no, that’s just how he is”
“Ok cool. Now that I know it’s a fundamental part of his personality, I like him”
Hey to all the girls with more than one person in their picture you’re making this VERY DIFFICULT.
Her: You should drink in moderation
Me: Moderation?You makin words up?
H: You’re gonna piss on my lawn again aren’t you?
M: …In moderation
WAITER: how would you like your eggs
ME: nogged
Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”
Only shaving the parts of my legs where the holes in my jeans show skin isn’t lazy, it’s efficient