The only thing I’ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children
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parents: a large old man with white hair is going to break into the house while you’re sleeping and give you toys
kids: oh worddddd
Both of my sons have somewhat classic, WASP-y first names, and the number of older people who have said to me, “oh how nice, he has a nOrMaL name, and you don’t have to wonder if he’s a boy or a girl” is rather rich coming from the generation of seven million people named Pat
In Scotland we don’t like our revenge as a dish served cold, we like it deep fried.
If I can only taste 999 islands I’m sending this dressing back.
To be fair, I did a lot of stupid shit before I was married too. Now I just have someone who judges me for it.
*draws a line in the sand*
*looks at the line in the sand*
*decides that it might be time to vacuum*
Getting married soon just need a spouse
Lately I have the attention span of wait what
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room
I find few things more alarming than a toddler with a permanent marker in her hand.
Him: The smell of marinara reminds me of my grandma
Me: That’s cause your nose is connected to the limbic system of your brain where emotions are processed! Your olfactory nerve gettin all up in your amygdala and jumpin on good memories
Waiter: Ma’am please return to your table
I bought a 3D printer, now I can print a moral compass
When I complained to Amazon about a missing parcel and they asked me to send photographic evidence.
I thought secret rooms would play a bigger role in my adult life. Like the kind of room you access by pulling a book on a shelf or pressing a certain stone on a wall or pulling on a sconce. Also where are all the trap doors?
Hostage negotiator: I don’t quite get your demands.
You know why I’ve never been murdered in my sleep? Because I leave a cheese plate out for murderers every night. It’s called hospitality maybe look it up sometime.
Rescued a Roomba from eBay and gave it a forever home.
me: so how do i look
eye doc: terrible
me: think glasses would help
eye doc: no i can see you fine
me: *finally catching up financially*
the brakes on my car: hehe
My wife’s favorite position is where I’m bent over the kitchen sink doing the dishes.
*takes my split ends to couples counseling*
Cat: Human, congratulations, I’ve chosen your face to sleep upon tonight. If at some point you cannot breathe, do not wake me.
Me: hold on are you—
roommate who just painted a Bansky on our kitchen wall:
Me:—Bob Ross?
My youngest child is choosing to drop out of homeschool and instead pursue her B.E.D.
I want to buy a haunted house, not so haunted where I can’t live in it but enough so my kids don’t get out of bed in the middle of the night.
Whenever somebody says “it is what it is” I reply with “and it’s not what it’s not” so they’ll realize just how stupid they sounded
[Jack Ryan]
CIA BOSS: who are you
JACK: (trying to be cool) ryan. jack ryan
BOSS: nice to meet you ryan
JACK: no it’s
BOSS: everyone this is ryan
EVERYONE: hi ryan
RYAN: hi
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
Grandpa: Music today is terrible
Me: Here, try this *hands him iPod*
Grandpa: Fine *slides iPod into tape deck*
hey man i’m really worried about you.. your mum said you haven’t been looking after your gutbiome ?