[camping]
me: why can’t i find any animals
wife: the wildlife is very conservative here
deer: climate change is a myth
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Doc: This pill may cause:
Heart attack, stroke, minor weight gain, and deathMe: WOAH BACK UP, weight gain? I’m out.
YOGA CLASS
INSTRUCTOR: And now we go into downward dog
*loud thud
GARY WHO IS A T-REX: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just a bloody nose.
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
“Stop texting me. If I wanted to go on the second date, I wouldn’t have stolen all your jewelry.”
*bakes 12 cookies*
*waits for family to come home*
*eats 12*
*family arrives*
5 year old: “I SMELL COOKIES!”
“Weird! Here’s a salad.”
Freddie Mercury: I’m just a poor boy, nobody loves me
Chorus of Dads: HI JUST A POOR BOY, I’M DAD! SPARE HIM HIS LIFE FROM THIS MONSTROSITY
Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it’s a hamburger
I do not want a robot dog. I do want some sort of high-speed Wi-Fi router mobile hotspot installed in my current dog
No one warns you about being a parent. So, be prepared to never have matching anything ever again
Just some repair guys and me at work right now. If a pizza delivery guy and a director show up, I’m leaving.
Axl Rose: You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby
Tarzan: yeah but why are you here.
Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack
Establish dominance over old people by yelling BINGO when you don’t really have it
Receptionist: “The doctor will see you now.”
Invisible Man: “Finally, a cure!”
All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.
*sees a car with a “how am i driving” bumper sticker*
*calls the phone number*
ME: buddy i think it’s with a steering wheel
I have a disorder where every time I leave my house I spend $100
Surgeon: I can barely cut anything with this scalpel
Nurse: [whispering to patient] I’m sorry he’s just not that into you
My New Years resolution is to be more of an enabler, like yes girl text your ex
A world without racism exists in traffic. The anger, cursing and honking is truly based on the ability to drive, not the content of the car.
Why did God make Trolls World Tour so hard to say?
A very annoying brain feature I have is what I call Waiting Mode. Like today, I have to leave for an MRI at 2:45. Unfortunately at 12:30 or so, my brain decided to activate Waiting Mode, which means that instead of getting anything done, I just have to sit here and wait.
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
@funTweeters OH MY GOODNESS!! THANKYOU SO MUCH!! I JUST STALKED YOUR SITE!! LOVE IT. AM HONORED!! <3
Listen, I’m as surprised as you are that I have no murderous ex-lovers, but I was gifted (and/or cursed) with the ability to leave someone so tenderly they’re left thinking it was their idea, and wondering why they ever let me go.
Think you’re a tough guy?
Go eat a package of Oreos in the middle of a crowded gym.
When you hug someone, think of all the poop you are just inches away from.
happy birthday to me. i am 25.
I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.
It’s adorable when you give someone an informed opinion that they completely dismiss and then someone else basically says the exact same thing and now it’s a brilliant idea they’ve never heard before.