[demon possessing me is forcing me to walk into a chapel]
Me: are you breaking up with me?!
Demon: no- wait, do you actually think we’re a couple?
Me: *shyly blushing* well, you are inside of me
Demon: why are you this way
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IMPORTANT:
IF YOU GET A TEXT MESSAGE WITH A LINK THAT SAYS “NSFW SLIM JIM” — DO NOT CLICK IT — IT IS A VIRUS THAT PUTS YOUR KEYBOARD ON CAPS LOCKPLS TELL EVERYONE
Failed my Politics exam. “Describe the role that India plays in the modern world”.
Apparently “Tech Support” is not the correct answer.
I carry dental floss with me at all times because you never know when you’re going to need to garrotte a co-worker.
I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.
birds: it’s peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
ME: I’ve fallen for you.
JIU JITSU INSTRUCTOR: you’re terrible at this.
Girl Scout was out of Thin Mints and Samoas and tried to guilt me into taking those bullshit Trefoils off her hands.
FIND ANOTHER SUCKER, AUBREY.
King Tut: I just need a one-time investment from you to get my tomb business going
me: I don’t know, kinda sounds like a pyram–
King Tut: like a what?
me: *sigh* sounds like a multi-level mausoleum
I run from my car all the way to the front door of McDonald’s because fitness is a lifestyle
I would throw more parties if they didn’t turn me into a hotel concierge. Always standing. Always waiting for someone to need me.
flight attendant: sir u r seated in an exit row, are u willing and able to xyz in case of emergency
the highest guy you have ever seen: yes
My book group read “Ventriloquism for Dummies” this month. We met in the living room, but it sounded like we were in the kitchen.
Whoever named rice cakes is probably also responsible for Paris, Texas
Florida is about to release millions of genetically modified mosquitoes.
I hope when they bite you they make you drive better.
He threw his hands in the air.
And he waved em like he just didn’t care.
In hindsight, he was the worst airplane runway guide we ever hired.
I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.
WIFE: we need to talk about your drinking habit
ME (wearing a nun outfit): why *sips scotch* what’s wrong with it?
When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.
[during sex]
ME: I’m Italian, how about you?
HER: Finnish
ME: Ok sure just give me a second
How to determine what party to vote for:
1) Calculate income
2) Divide by number of dependents
3) Subtract age
4) Download Game of War
My favorite sex position? Boy there’s so many to choose from. Ha Ha. *starts sweating* I’d have to pick, um, reverse…shortstop? I gotta go
“Come reckon with me bro.”
-Force
I could tell by the way she was pouring gasoline on a pile of my clothes, that the relationship had hit some turbulence.
I wore a jumpsuit to work because the rage I feel every time I have to pee is a good motivator.
me: [excitedly opening litter box] those are not kittens
Wife texts husband ‘Windows frozen’, husband texts wife ‘try bucket of warm water’, wife texts husband ‘computer not working at all now’
anybody is allowed to send me $1,400 it doesn’t have to just be the government
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
Children of the corn 🌽
MC HAMMER: U can’t touch this! … U can’t touch this!
MASSAGE THERAPIST: Please just let me do my job Mr. Hammer!
MC HAMMER: U can’t tou…