Welcome to Yoga class. You’ll slowly ease into half splits, and then you’ll remain there for the rest of your life.
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Anyone else notice Independence Day is July 4th? Maybe we can work it into our 4th of July celebrations.
I create my own luck. Also, my own problems. I’m very creative.
Bruce Wayne’s poop is not only crazy, it’s batshit
Her: I’ve heard a lot about your lovemaking.
Me: Oh, your embarrassing me, really Its nothing.
Her: That’s what I heard…
I slept like shit.
– how adults say “good morning”
This “band-aid” is bugging me 🤣
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats.
I’m buying more booze than ever these days. Wonder if I need an intervention. I’d hate to become a shopaholic.
Always make sure that you are taking time for self-care. Because, if you don’t love yourself, how are you gonna love somebody else?! 😘 You got this 💪
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#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #personalgrowth #selfcare #safecarequotes
Movie trivia is always like, “The actor improvised when he screamed & threw the plate, so the reactions of fear from his co-stars are real. The actress who played the mom was 2 years older than the actress who played her daughter.”
my cat is so stupid this food doesn’t taste like grilled steak at all
Fixing my grandma’s computer and I see that her search history is about seven various spellings of the name of the last guy I dated.
It’s a sad day when you find out there’s a hot person behind a cartoon avi.
I forgot to buy sacrificial goats for the eclipse on Monday (stupid!!) but then I remembered I can just log into this app and find an unlimited supply of virgins.
Ok, it’s nearly 3.30 am here, someone give me some good sleeping tips! If I don’t answer you know they’ve worked!
Announcer: In one corner, her will to live. In the other corner, her sanity. Let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
Unable to stop their phones and washing machines from exploding, Samsung announced today they’re changing their name to the ACME Corp.
I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.
Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.
Cop: we have you surrounded come out with your hands up
Stick Figure: lol
Cop: wait are you surrendering or laughing right now
Oh I don’t know. I woke up 2 hours early to get some laundry done. How do you THINK IT’S GOING?
Reminder that April is Procrastination Awareness Month. It’s finally my time to shine…
Aw beans
Detective: Did your husband have any enemies, ma’am?
Wife: Well, the cat next door never really liked Jim, and that always seemed a bit odd.
Marriage isn’t between a man and a woman. It’s between a person who is certain they closed the garage door and a person who is certain they did not close the garage door.
under my wife’s car waiting to grab her ankle and yell “how are you?”
I’ll take Manly Men for $500, Alex.
“Answer. These booklets of pages are a pointless waste of time.”
What are instructions?
“Correct.”
astronomy is a growing field as the universe is expected to expand indefinitely
“Welcome to the library, can I help you”
“Yeah I need you to make copies and and find the forms I need from this website and print them and also could I get a pen and an envelope”
“Shall I pick up your dry cleaning too?”
“Oh my gosh do you guys do that, that would be amazing”
The secret to success is to surround yourself with people that don’t know you.