If your bio is chock full of emojis, I like to assume you’re too stupid to form complete sentences.
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ugh not again
I carry tumbleweed so I can let it roll across the floor during awkward silences.
•a lion stalks a fawn•
•a man steps out from behind tree•
I’m Chris Hansen from NBCs to catch a predator, do u know how old that deer is?
Windbreakers only want one thing and it’s dis-gusting
Apparently, changing your profile to “Flirty, dirty and a little squirty” gets you kicked out of Christian Mingle.
Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby
Case of beer: I have a boyfriend
Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success
Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine
Me: Dad gave me a sip of beer when I was 6 and I hated it. It was really effective in helping me to not rely on alcohol when dealing with my anger issues.
Prison Psychiatrist: you killed 8 people.
Me: yeah but I was super Zen about it
If a huge bird swooped down and snatched my infant I’m not sure if I’d scream, “my god, my baby!” or “Honey, Honey, get the bird book!”
Me: Breakfast!
Son: YOU made it?
Me: Yup.
Son: What is it?
Me: An omelet.
Son: It’s…um… crunchy.
Me: NEXT TIME PICK UP YOUR LEGOS.
Just in case the FBI turns on my web cam, I’ve got a teeny tiny picture of Jimmy Hoffa taped to the lens.
She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.
I realize that choosing a pasta can be a confusing and difficult decision, but for the love of all that is holy, move your cart to the side.
Type out “My best quality is” and then let predictive text finish it! I’ll start
“My best quality is I am a worthy vessel for the demon lord Paimon who will bring about a new age of darkness. All will suffer his wrath and despair” haha so random
You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.
Rompers are cute and all until you have to pee in a public bathroom. There’s no cute way to execute that. You’re now in an episode of naked and afraid.
Interesting that the homeless population is down and now there is a big sale of unlabeled meat at the grocery store.
trying not to judge stupid people too harshly anymore because it turns out i’m people and oh man am i stupid.
[the ghost of christmas future points at my grave] finally im dead [i lay down in the grave] stop kicking me ghost im not learning anything
living in a van down by the river isn’t an insult anymore. It’s a YouTube sensation.
If human civilization had a narrator it would just be some guy repeating “Little did they know…” over and over and over.
I remember when all this was farmland!
*gestures toward internet*
Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.
I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”
How does a mule unlock a door?
With a don-key.
#MuleDay #RubbishJokes
The lady across the plane aisle very rudely covered her watch that I was using.
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 living in the year 2021looking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
the ocean is technically soup bc it has salt veggies meat and it’s been heating up
If you’re reading this message then something has gone wrong with my experiment and I apologize for what is about to happen to the eggs in your fridge