still one of the greatest philosophical minds of our time
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aren’t all napkins supposed to be sanitary
*dusts off treadmill*
Alright, that’s enough cardio for one day.
GPS: turn left onto High Street
Husband: no thanks, I know a longer way.
firemen keep harvesting my cat tree
Hobby Lobby and Chick-Fil-A have one thing in common: I never go there.
Never go grocery shopping hungry. Always bring a chair to the furniture store. Buy clothes in a swimsuit. I’m not clear on the rules
“Quinoa” sounds like something a ninja would say before kicking you.
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: ha nice try
I: excuse me?
M: that’s how Lex Luthor beat Superman. I’m not stupid.
5-year-old: Dad, can you make the rain go away?
Me: Someone more powerful than me controls the weather.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Mom?
Well at least the world isn’t spinning uncontrollably around a huge ball of fire.
It’s going to be so intense if Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce break up because millions of Swifties who may or may not have a favorite football team will for sure have a LEAST FAVORITE.
The 5 second rule doesn’t apply when you drop the last m&m in the bag. If it takes an hour to find it, so be it.
I wonder if Sallys parents were like “Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot.”
Seize the day! by its legs and lock it in chains. Hold a mock trial, find the day guilty. Behead the day. Bury the day in a nameless grave.
“You don’t like my cooking? You’ll be hearing from my lawyer!” – Sue Chef
me: *tries to schedule car maintenance online*
website: we need you to call for that
me: *calls*
phone message: we’re busy, use the website
me: screams into the void
the void: please use the website
no thanks rational thinking your ship has sailed
12yo: My friend has 2 tiktok accounts.
Me: One is for her mom to follow and the other is for her friends to follow.
12yo: Kids do that?
Me:
12yo:
Me: No.
When my kids are grown, I’m coming over to their house and taking their forks and then scattering them around town.
[pulled over]
COP: Did you know you were speeding?
ME: I didn’t even know I was driving
COP: Out
Why is this me 😫
store clerk: can I help you find anything
me: yes *hands over where’s waldo book*
Study: People with children live longer.
People with children: Shit.
STEPS TO FOLD A FITTED SHEET
1) PUT SHEET ON BED
2) FOLD BED
You know you’re getting fat when you make a comment about needing to lose weight and the other person doesn’t say anything back.
Sometimes when I pass by a stranger I like to whisper “I was just thinking the exact same thing”
*quietly opens cheese wrapper*
*dogs come running from upstairs*
Me: How the hell did you hear that?
[10 minutes later]
*gf quietly opens bag of chips*
Me: (from upstairs) ARE THOSE MY CHIPS?
Terrifying if literal: keeping your eyes peeled.
[God creating praying mantis]
Make an insect that does karate
Angel: k
Now make it bite her husband’s head off
Angel: dude we need to talk