I just lifted a couch to retrieve a Skittle that fell underneath it, so I get you Moms that lift cars to rescue children, I get you.
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BT: “You’ve been prequalified for a low interest credit card!”
BR: “pass”BT: “Would you be interested in refinancing a loan?”
BR: “No thanks.”Bank Teller: “What color lollipop would you like today?”
Bank Robber: “JUST PUT THE MONEY IN THE BAG!”
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
Always 🥴
[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]
Bedtime.
If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager
My french toast just surrendered to my german sausage.
Breakfast is weird at my house.
Brain: Compliment her eyes
Me: Yeah?
Brain: Trust me“YOUR EYES ARE BLUE LIKE BLUEBERRIES & THEY’RE PROBABLY SQUISHY TOO.”
Brain: Perfect!
Preparing for Back to School season by getting my 5th grader a new wardrobe, new backpack, and helping him invent a Canadian girlfriend
Music takes practice. Before they were Duran Duran they had to Duwalk Duwalk.
Wife, lecturing son: You can’t just “wing it” your entire life
Me, later to my son when we’re alone: You actually can just wing it, you just can’t tell people that’s what you’re doing
it’s dangerous to go alone. take this with you
The most unrealistic thing about sitcoms is couples comfortably sharing a full size mattress
I’ve had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how’s your quarantine going?
THERAPIST: You’re cured.
ME: Really?!?
THERAPIST: No, of course not. How did that make you feel?
Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks
My kids re playing Frozen
4 is Anna
6 is Elsa
11 apparently is Sven
Hubs and I are the dead parents so at least we can just lay around and still be considered playing along
What no one in the congregation expected was a reverse rapture that left everyone naked watching their clothes float away.
Me: What do you think of my tweets?
Wife: They’re all pretty terrible.
Me: Don’t you have ANYTHING positive to say?
Wife: You’re consistent.
Don’t bother giving kids a hard time for saying lol while they’re speaking if you came from an era when hardy-har-har was a thing.
Q: My daughter will not eat fish, what can I replace it with?
A: A cat. Cats love fish.
I know parents should inspire kids to be anything when they grow up. But my son took 1 hour to eat a banana, so competitive eating is out.
There’s a knock at the door. I open it, but there’s no one there. Unsettled, I slow down a little and pull into the middle lane.
I don’t expect everything handed to me, just set it down outside my door.
Look lady, you’ve already taken my money so put that Oompa Loompa costume on and let’s do this.
found a twenty in my purse then channeled jesus and turned it into wine at the nearest liquor store.
it’s called boxing because smash mouth was taken
HOT LOCAL SINGLES WANT TO MEET YOU SO THEIR FELONIOUS BOYFRIENDS CAN STEAL YOUR I-PHONE
Just got kicked out of Chipotle for knowing what I wanted when I got to the front of the line.
I think Mark Zuckerberg could have sold the Metaverse concept about 10000x better by just walking out and saying “why watch Shrek… when you can BE Shrek”
Ain’t no way