Don’t call me “Dad”, please call me by my professional title, “Half-Eaten Food Connoisseur Broken Toy Engineer Butt-Wipeologist”.
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My weather app just says, “Oh no.” I wonder what that means?
my nickname in college
your Covid tweet is so 3 variants ago 🙄
[Dentist chair]
Him: Lie back and open wide
Me: At least buy me dinner first
Him: *sigh* Please don’t tweet this
Me: *typing* Too late
my accountant: look at ur currently monthly budget:
· RENT: $800
· GAS: $200
· CHEEZ-ITS: $2,750me: ur right, i need a cheaper place.
A lady at WartMart said I smelled fruity and asked what fragrance I was wearing. I didn’t have the heart to tell her I missed my mouth with a slushie so I pointed to a random body spray
The Fast and the Furious is my favourite movie about me running away after dropping a vase in an antiques store
Her: So you wrote Amazing Grace about your ex?
Me: Yes
Her: And now you’ve written one about me! I’m so excit-
Choir master: Now we sing Adequate Rachel
Her: what
[Dog asleep on rug] I once killed a bear with my own two paws
[Legs move wildly]
THAT’S IT I’M WAKING HIM
“No Henry. Let sleeping dogs lie.”
Note to Self: In future interviews, don’t say “Safe in your strong arms” when the employer asks where I see myself in 5 years.
Me: (from the back of the ambulance) CHANGE THE RADIO
Medic: Sir you need to conserve your strength
Me: I AM NOT DYING TO A COLDPLAY SONG
Ok I’ll bite, what is elon musk
If they made “I Know What You Did Last Summer” now it would be like, duh, of course you do, I posted it all on Instagram.
Google search history:
-double chin reduction exercises
-double chin plastic surgery cost
-double fudge brownie recipe
What if all the snakes on that plane were emotional support snakes?
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
Proctology is located in A55
bet marie kondo is wishing she had more shit in her house right about now.
[Satan advising me on choosing the right career path] law school it is
*softly brushes the hair away from your face
“I said it’s my turn to jump in the bounce house.”
I’m not average. I’m mean.
*me at Target*
“Hey baby, you want some of this?”
*offering to share my chocolate Twizzlers*
Her: *calls security*
~Flirting is so hard
You’re doing a 30 day cleanse? How dirty are you?
yall pray for me, nothing’s wrong im just in college
Not to brag, but I can play a little guitar. Not a regular-sized one though.
OK. Hear me out. We are acquiring way too many of these and you’re not good at keeping them dusted anyway. So, let’s just dump EVERYONE’S cremated remains into this big one and clear up some table space.
How long can COVID live on breakdancing cardboard?
And can it be killed by sick moves?
No shit your baby is crying. You just announced her weight to a group of strangers.
If Trump wins the presidency, you know who’s gonna be the most excited about buildin’ a Southern border fence? Canada.
if i ever call you after we haven’t spoken in a while saying that i “just wanted to say hi” know that you probably died horrifically in my dream last night