Rights to name a newly discovered dinosaur will soon go up for auction. I can’t be the only one concerned about this poor thing that’s stayed hidden for millions of years getting named after a rapper.
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I’ll never understand the appeal of TV shows about food. To me that’s like listening to the Victoria Secret Fashion Show on the radio.
Many people told me I would benefit exposing myself to art.
astronomy is a growing field as the universe is expected to expand indefinitely
I did my first abdominal exercise since my 4 abdominal surgeries and I can say with absolute certainty that my abs are cake.
Ask your doctor if Drugs™ are right for you. If he says no give him a wedgie and stuff him in a locker he is a nerd.
Prank Idea: Toss some red laundry in the ocean and turn the great white sharks into the great pink sharks.
If I were a Scooby Doo villain, I’d take the whole thing to court. How hard can it be to overturn the testimony of 4 kids who talk to a dog?
Two ill-tempered people return from a fractious trip to the grocery store, driving through an Old Testament downpour, and neither having changed the battery in the garage door opener.
Your prospects for a pleasant day are excellent because they have absorbed all the anger in…
Top 3 questions asked by my parents:
3) How’s the business?
2) Do you have a girlfriend?
1) Why are you stealing from our refrigerator?
someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I can’t train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner
me: it’s our third date, you know what this means
him: *confidently* I think I do
me: *saves his number in my contacts*
I handed her the flowers. “You shouldn’t of!” she said. I took them back. “Have,” I whispered
I’m 45 and still don’t know what to do when live music is playing.
me, alone: [reads a book in my head intelligently]
me, with people: [reads a book out loud like a 5 yo just learning to read]
Fwiw it’s worth I’ve never assumed that Popeye was human, I believe he is a weird shaved animal that sorta-talks ?
Always use your best photos for your profile on FB.
Cause those are the photos the media will use if something horrible happens to you.
Wife: Can you take the kale chips out of the oven?
Me: Sure. Can you hold the trash open?
i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window
My date was all ‘next time come to my place and I’ll cook you some food in my air fryer’ and I was like ‘lol sure and I’ll play you some songs on my air guitar’ and then she was like ‘I need to see other people’.
Your yearly reminder that if you’re mad at what happens to Emma Thompson in Love Actually you can watch Die Hard after and he gets what he deserves
i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.
The cool thing about having young kids is that they will straight up tell you which parent they love more without anyone even asking.
I just imagined what it would be like to cut eyeholes in a slice of provolone cheese and wear it like a mask. So yeah I’m fine.
I only eat wild caught salmon because I like to know the fishermen had a good time
me: who wants to eat some sweet cheeks?
wife: for the last time, they’re called cinnamon buns
Her: You sure love to beat people over the head with your vocabulary, don’t you?
Me: I think the word you’re looking for is “bludgeon.”
Sure I collect antiques, if you count the late-century spices in my pantry.
My dog would have been disqualified if she was in that 100m final because she always goes on ‘ready’, the little cheat.
Judge: Have you any words before I pronounce sentence?
Me: Yes. Could you also pronounce Worcestershire?