Dad Dinosaur: Look son a shooting star make a wish!
Angsty Teen Dinosaur: I wish it would hit us and kill us all.
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Were PacMan and Ms.PacMan married or brother and sister? Have some fanfic that’s either really awesome or really disturbing riding on this.
A macaron is just an oreo that studied abroad.
My Jehovahs Witness coworker got mad when I started calling him the “Knock-topus” after he spilled ink all over his shirt
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
I love how Hello Fresh always gives me way more garlic than I need. I admire a company not afraid to take a firm stance against Dracula.
[ first date ]
her: i like a man who plans financially for the future
me: i swallowed $9.13 this morning that i won’t be able to spend until later
[Stonehenge]
*Synth bass line*
*hooded figure pops out*
“Thiiiiis is hooww we Druuuiiid”
*other hooded figures pop out*
“It’s Friday night”
*ties husband’s hands to headboard*
*turns out lights*
*opens laptop*“Welcome to my PowerPoint presentation ‘Curtains: How About These?'”
Imagine a baby named Edith. Exactly, you can’t because everyone named Edith quietly emerged from the woods at age 78 knitting an incredibly complicated afghan.
My five moods:
1. I’m too old for this shit.
2. I’m too tired for this shit.
3. I don’t have time for this shit.
4. I’m too sober for this shit.
5. I don’t get paid enough for this shit.
Maine is beautiful and calm.
Stephen King: Hold my balloon.
I wonder who pays the electric bill for the light at the end of the tunnel.
Cats that run under your legs display the same genius as someone walking into traffic.
Baristas, stop paintin’ pictures in my damn latte. I’m gonna drink that shit not frame it.
thought i heard hailstones at my window but it was just the sound of my bones as i stood up from a chair
[Getting lucky on the first date]
Me: Hey, there’s an onion ring in my fries!
For sale: $300 King size mattress & box spring, 6 mo old, Never had sex on it, not even once. IDK ask her.
7 years ago I had a surgery at the hospital I am having a procedure at this morning, I jokingly filled out the paperwork 7 years ago, saying I like to be called “My Lady” well, the patient registrar, just called out, “MY LADY?!” followed by my last name and now I am dead. ☠️🤣🤭
I just unplugged my WIFI and heard someone yell WTF from across the street!
The weird similarities between gold nuggets and chicken nuggets
– come from a pan
– golden color
– get stuck in my throat when I swallow them whole
Friends: “Be ready at 7:30”
Me at 7:30:
“…until death do us part.”
*looks at minister*
“What about a Walking Dead situation where she’s a zombie? Then I can bang other chicks?”
I accidentally took an extra step when I reached the top of the stairs and now I’m in a marching band.
Me: inside me there are two wolves
Wife: omg you fatass you ate my wolf too??
My diet starts in January
of 2027
Me: So my husband —
First grader: You have a husband?
Me: I do, the whole time you’ve known me.
First grader: Oh. I always thought you were feral.
Me: Er, do you mean ‘single’?
First grader: Whatever the word is that you use for stray cats.🙀
A sports bra implies the existence of an academic bra.
Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake
You: I’m so hard on myself.
People on the internet: Hold my beer.
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want.
Me: I want you to fix the kitchen faucet.