getting my head stuck in the armhole of a mensa shirt
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I found love at ninja school.
Yeah it just crept up on me and totally took me by surprise.
[getting my license]
Me: *points at gas gauge* the car just ate so we have to wait 30 minutes
Instructor: *unclicks seatbelt*
Hotel receptionist: One bed or two?
Me: One bed is good
Greg (my coworker): What?
After so much bullshit the past few years this upcoming colonoscopy somehow feels political
Soaking the dishes overnight, or as I like to call it, “not doing the dishes.”
Me: I saved $2000 remodeling the bathroom [flexes muscles].
Her: Did you add the hospital visit?
Me:
Superhero Movies Love to Have Villains Who Are Totally Right… Until They’re Randomly Super Wrong
My dad thinks I have so much free time that he bought me a book of 1000 dot-to-dot puzzles to “keep me busy”
Wife: We need to talk
Me, absolutely panicking: What
Wife: We need to start buying the big jars of peanut butter
If my dude is messaging you.. he’s your dude..
Keep. Him. 😂
I took the liberty of rearranging my husband’s office this week. The tears streaming down his face are all the thanks I need.
In Heaven
Me: I can’t believe how much stuff the Bible got wrong
Gid: You idiots couldn’t even get my Giddamn name right
found this cool rock hiking today
Parents to our kids: Honesty is the best policy.
Also parents to our kids: Pretend you’re sick and don’t tell anyone I held the thermometer to the lightbulb to get us out of this party.
The leather seats in your car waiting for you to wear shorts on a hot day
No, Clickbait writer, here are 20 household items YOU’VE been using wrong
*Meeting GF parents*
What are your intentions with our daughter?
Uh I need someone to sing the girl parts of Grease songs with me
She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home
A school’s Open House is a great way to find out how many projects you’ll be doing for your kids all year.
First grade soccer is actually so exciting, like one player just grabbed a couple of sticks and started rubbing them together at midfield to try and start a fire
My dog turning immediately around at the door when he sees the rain like eight-year-old me when I saw my first outhouse at daycamp. No thank you I’m good.
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…my trench coat?
HR: Try again.
Me: Because I’m naked under my trench coat?
[getting brutally stabbed] hey wait, you have an eyelash *gently removes it* make a wish
[watching video of an amazing feat]
Age 20: i could do that
Age 30: he’s amazing
Age 40: doesn’t that guy work
My 4 year old took 2 hours and 3 separate sittings to eat a slice of cake. I don’t even know who this kid is anymore.
My problem is that I always have really amazing bad ideas.
Dating Profile
Sex: Probably
Favorite Food: Yes
Favorite Movie: Star Wars
Favorite Book: LOLZ
1. gather ’round, young-uns, whiles I tellya bout how yer momma & I met, and also practice this genteel old-timey accent