Dude with 7 followers is criticizing my jokes. That’s not a Twitter account. It’s a group text.
You Might Also Like
I’VE GOT GOATLIKE SPEED & REFLEXES
“Don’t you mean catlike-”
BAAAH [Climbs on top of roof and begins eating shingles]
Sam Neill and Jeff Goldblum are perfect
“The Sun is dying. We need help” the scientists are speechless. Cool Dad kicks in the door & removes his shades “It’s daylight savings time”
For fun, I steal my married friends phones & change my name to
‘Brandy from the club’
then repeatedly call them & hang up at 3am.#topahole
had the person who invented the bicycle seat never actually experienced sitting down before
*uses Mr. Clean magic eraser to wipe off your drawn on eyebrows*
The worst part about getting arrested by a motorcycle cop is having to hug him from behind all the way back to the precinct.
If anyone asks I got this cardigan from a vending machine
My super innocent daughter talked me into playing Luigi’s Mansion and the goal is to vacuum up ghosts. So I’m giving it my all and she yells at me “yes dad suck that guy!” I’m dead, y’all
If you see a distressed woman in the street screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
If you think my tweets are horrid, wait until you see the live stream of my colonoscopy
Child: Can I have some help with my homework?
Me: Sure. Let’s see. [reading] If you have six apples and give one-[10 minutes later]
Me: FIVE. FFS THE ANSWER IS FIVE
you: weird flex but ok
an intellectual: odd gloat but understandable nonetheless
me, a genius: peculiar boast but alas
[at the pub]
I could survive for six days with everything in the pockets of my cargo shorts.
Her: Quit talking to me
My wife is a gluten free vegetarian, if you want to know what life in culinary purgatory is like.
The only cardio that releases pleasurable endorphins is sex. I know this because 35min on a treadmill & I just want to punch someone!
WTF
“I refuse to be part of an apartheid system that reveres whiteness and segregates those of colour”
“Just do the damn laundry”
If I was a Spice Girl I would be Mild to Medium Spice
For a brief moment I confusedly ask myself, “Am I Hannah?”
Flirting is a way of life, the moment you stop is when you’re dead … then your spouse cleans the gun and places it in your hand.
If there is any indication of how this day will go, I put my shirt on backwards this morning. No biggie, except the fact it’s a button down.
I don’t need David Attenborough narrating animals I need Danny DeVito narrating divorce court
One alternative to having kids is to hire two people to sit in your car and start a loud argument every time your favorite song comes on.
I’m sitting here watching this married couple argue in this restaurant. Then their 8 year old says “oh great, dinner and a show.” Priceless.
friend: what are your plans for The Purge?
[imagines broadcasting a football game w/o express written consent of the NFL]
me: do a murder
Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.
FBI AGENT: [lifting crime scene tape and walking in] dale howard, fbi
ME: [following him] bob vulfov, looking for a bathroom
Not really getting much out of this Bring Your Daughter to Work Day, to be honest. It’s almost as if my 6yo had never used PowerPoint before