him: there is something wrong, but I can’t quite put my finger on it
me: do I need a proctologist with longer arms, then?
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Just did that little side to side “oops we keep choosing the same direction and getting in each other’s way aren’t we silly!” dance with someone and she ended up saying “oh just move out the way! Idiot”
That’s not in the rules!
Apparently coming to the Easter egg hunt dressed like the playboy bunny was not appropriate.
[Traffic Stop]
Cop: Sir, please step out of the car
Me: But you said…
Cop: I said 3 minutes tops & you promised not to touch the siren.
I’m very productive, just not at the things I actually need to do
Me: what’s the deal with airplane food
Baby: I don’t know it just tastes better when you make that noise
I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car.
Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?
My toddler has just learned how to say her brother’s name. So now she keeps repeating his name over and over, which is driving him absolutely crazy. I have to admit that I’m kinda enjoying it though. Better him than me!
*laughs all the way to the bank*
*cries all the way back*
i got blood on my iphone the other day and before i could wipe it off siri made a slurpy noise and it was gone
[at dentist]
so your X-rays look grea-
*phone rings*
hold on
*on phone* a new engine? jesus, ok
so as I was saying you have several cavities
I can’t touch my face so I’ve been letting the cats apply and remove my makeup. They’re getting pretty good at it.
There are three types of people:
1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met
Showed up to basic training wearing denim short pants.
I got jort-martialed
I hope my kids are impressed with how resourceful the Easter Bunny is for filling eggs with steeply discounted Valentine’s Day candy.
If you can’t be fun to be around then please be a drug dealer
pharaoh: over my dead body!
pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.
Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?
He was going through a midlife ISIS!!
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.
me irl
I have a very particular set of skills
*puts down phone*
*sounds of a struggle*
*yells* Ok you can’t see this but I’m totally doing the worm
Not sure why my doctor prescribed LSD for a case of constipation…until I saw those dragons and totally shit my pants.
cars have windows and can move. houses have windows and can’t move. so it’s not the windows that make the car go, it’s something else entirely
NURSE: Do you drink alcohol?
ME: No
NURSE: Do you do drugs?
ME: *sigh* No
NURSE: Are you sexually active?
ME: *just starts crying*
Witches these days have it so easy. Do you know how hard it used to be to find so many newts? Now you get them with free 2 day shipping.
Oh how the tables have turned Linda…have fun getting out now! 😏😂🐶
T-REX *runs past me*
ME: woah more like tyrannosaurush
T-REX *stops dead* ok you first. I’m gonna eat you first
Substitute teaching 1st graders was not at all the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.
if a cop pulls u over play dead
Me and my mates are in a band called duvet.
We’re a cover band