“Oh shit that sounded important,” I exclaim as I vacuum and don’t stop to investigate but keep on vacuuming.
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Just watched a dog chase its tail for 10 min., thought “damn so easily entertained” then realized I watched a dog chase his tail for 10 min.
“You will not marry him! He is not of our kind!”
But we’re in love!
“It is forbidden!”
*whale elopes with submarine*
I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.
I can’t get out of bed, my Fitbit is charging and my steps won’t count
My husband came with me to the gynecologist. As a new patient, I had to fill out a form asking if I’d ever had an IUD. When I checked the ‘yes’ box, he said: “You drove drunk!?!”
Thinking about getting real into bonsai trees. It seems like an expensive hobby that I’ll lose interest in almost immediately, which is right in my wheelhouse
Turns out a cop hates a surprise hug
(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?
I wish there was something called the pizza/enchilada/beer diet where you lost weight. Cause I’m on it and that’s not what’s happening.
you would not believe that one of the reasons i’m most excited to move out is so i can own a bean bag in every room of my house
[interview]
THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?
ME: thank you.
My kid keeps asking if we can buy school merch, and sir you are 7 and that is a t-shirt
Me after completing a simple 10-minute task that I’d been putting off for 3 months
you: ant-man
me, an intellectual: uncle
“Hi-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Do y-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Excuse m-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“I JUST WANNA KNOW WHERE THE BATHROOM IS.”
I wish there were a specific ring you could wear that meant “I’m not married but I don’t want men to talk to me”
[a doomsday prepper whose rations from Y2K just ran out today emerging from his shelter] hey everyone hows it going
Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick
I’ve had 3 Red Bulls today and now I can taste my heartbeat.
[superfriends lunch]
BATMAN: There’s an underwater nuclear threat
SUPERMAN: Aquaman, go!
AQUAMAN: [stares at watch] Gotta wait 30 minutes
Does anybody know the long term exit strategy for the clapping thing?
What’s the rule for Twitter crushes? So far I’m in love with 800 women, 2 dudes, and a llama. Send condoms.
CPR Teacher: That’s the end of the lesson. Any questions?
Me: If you all want to leave and lock the door I’ll put the dummy away.
My Medical Emergency Contact is a girl from college who promised she’d pluck any stray hairs off my face if I slipped into a coma.
*getting murdered*
“When you’re done could you lay me on my back so my tummy flattens out?”
God, designing a toddler: ya know what would be hilarious would be if it has no ability to reason but talks nonstop. Also make it trip a lot
How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face
I alway get the same thing every year for Christmas. Fat
Technically, it’s not gluttony if you refer to it as an “Emotional Support Snack”.
“Just spread them open and shove your face in there.”
– How to put on glasses.