We get it, Aaron. You like vowels
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INTERVIEWER: What did you like most about your last job?
ME: *leans in way too close* Leaving it.
Teacher: “What is your favorite musical instrument?”
Me: “The lunch bell.”
Disney made such a big deal of kissing dead people. I kissed one dead person and now I’m no longer allowed at the morgue
Them: your pets are spoiled
Me: they are competitively compensated for the user experience they provide
Not saying I’m lazy, but if we had a motion detector alarm in our house it wouldn’t have gone off all day yesterday, even though I was home.
Friend: Can you drive me to work next week?
Me: What time?
F: 6 AM
M: 6 AM?! Hold on….
*pushes my car off a bridge*
M: I’m back. No.
If you wanna see that guy you used to like, go out in public looking your worst and it’s practically guaranteed.
When customers come in 6 hours before closing
FRIEND: Make her the center of attention
ME: Okay
[later at restaurant]
ME: *throws food at next table*
ME: *pointing at date* SHE DID IT
Y’all even ask cauliflower if they wanna be all these things?
A survey shows that 20% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house and 80% kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife..
Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long
Me: if we stay on budget for the next few months we’ll be back on track
My bathroom pipes: good plan, right after you fix this leak
Piglet: *sees recipe book* Honey-glazed…Pooh, what’s ham?
WinniethePooh: A food that goes well with honey. Now, how about a nice hot bath?
[soup kitchen]
*homeless man is handed a plate*
What the hell is this?
-Turkey bacon.
*throws tray against wall*
I’m hungry! Not desperate!
“We’re up all night to get Loki” -Daft Punk feat. The Avengers
If you post a handstand photo of yourself at the beach in Uggs you’re automatically entered into an essay contest on why you love your Jetta
The irony of the gay pride flag is that it clashes with everything.
ME: *holding 6 puppies* YOU TOLD ME YOU WANTED TO ADOPT!
SPOUSE: Children. I want to adopt CHILDREN.
ME: *defensive* They are our children.
My wife just pulled me into the other room and I thought she wanted to have a serious talk but she just wanted to give me m&m’s without the kids seeing.
My co-worker was accused of flipping off the boss. I told HR that it couldn’t have been him because he never lifts a finger to do anything.
Once I was napping & 5yo daughter
dropped her Barbie Car on my face,
she explained it tho, she said
“sorry dad, I thought you were asleep”.
My toddler woke me up last night to tell me it wasn’t morning yet, which to be honest is the same level of hard hitting journalism cable news provides.
Alien: we are here to enslave you
Me: *not looking up from phone* huh?
Alien: I SAID..
Me: *still not looking up* yeah I said I’ll do it
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
I’m beginning to think that some of you aren’t really pretending to be crazy.
In Australia we say tuna not tuna fish because tuna cow and tuna chicken are not readily available here.
Me: Sir, is this corn maze GMO free?
Him: It’s five dollars.