Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.
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A cactus is just a cucumber going through a punk phase.
*Packing for a trip*
Maybe I’ll bring my workout gear. I mean I haven’t worked out in 5 years but I might start on this trip.
Some days you’re on top of the world…other days you accidentally shoplift a pair of thong panties that became attached to your purse and you’re just struttin around mid crime spree none the wiser
I got some aluminum free deodorant and baybeeee lemme tell you… I NEED all the aluminum
I just texted a friend a super hilarious meme and all he did was give it a thumbs up. I’ve never been more angry.
Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.
Told my husband the best way to get help at Home Depot is to wear yoga pants, but I dunno. It doesn’t seem to work as well for him.
– “… He accidentally drank some radioactive milk and became_
– MILKMAN!!
– No. He became gravely ill and died. What are you? An idiot?!”
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone, BOOM…
The Onion rings. I’m sorry 😂😂😂😂
The Blue Tooth in your ear tells me you are expecting an important call.
At Walmart.
At 8:00 AM.
On Sunday.
In the snack food aisle.
Ma’am.
MY GRANDMA: The doctor says I’m standard.
ME: That’s not what STD is short for Grandma.
[Day at the beach]
*Puts suits on kids, slathers them with sunscreen, makes sandwiches, packs cooler, packs beach bags, lugs 50 lbs or crap to beach, trudges over sand, lays out blanket, puts up umbrella, sets up beach chairs, *
6yo after 30 minutes: I wanna go back home
When you’re alone in your room, start doing karate so ghosts know what’s up.
Stay in school, kids.
No, I mean really. Don’t come home. We need a break.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
Date – “I really dig intellectuals”
Me – “oh yeah? well check this out babe”
[counts to 17]
Husband: *opens jar of salsa*
Me: That looks like my period
In a world full of Christmas fruitcakes, be a cheese ball
First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.
Date: Why are you so nervous?
Me: I’ve never seen talking fruit before
lmaooo this was a legitimate email my sister sent to a college professor when she forgot to submit a paper whilst drunk at a darty. like can you imagine reading this with sober eyes????
65 mph wind gusts today. This is why Midwesterners are heavy. Everyone else rolls away like a tumbleweed.
I’ll never understand the appeal of TV shows about food. To me that’s like listening to the Victoria Secret Fashion Show on the radio.
got so much cardio in today
There’s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it’s only lettuce 🙁
Trying to convince a kid, no matter the age, that they’re tired, is like trying to tell a drunk they’re drunk. Denial & anger will follow.
My Dad absolutely hated it when I left lights on in a room:
Him *flipping switch*
Up means on and down means off…OFF. See how neat that is?Me: And this is something that’s important to you?
He didn’t seem to be fond of smartass comments either.
“Shotgun!” I yell as I push past the others and climb into the seat.
I am subsequently escorted from the airplane.
As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself:
“I’m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute.”
[packing for holiday]
WIFE: U don’t have to only put suits in a suitcase
ME: [putting underwear in briefcase] I don’t make the rules Karen