I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.
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I don’t believe Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back. He wouldn’t get any balance laying on his shell.
[job interview]
“Name one of your strengths”
I didn’t stab anyone today
“That’s not-”
Yesterday wasn’t so good tho
My 9 yo talked us into buying him a tracksuit this year. He looks like he’s well on his way to coaching an Olympic skier or arguing over the price of grapes at the supermarket
My 89 year old mom asked if I was on that “Tic-tac-toe” site.
*Strong man rips a phone book in half
Me: That’s amazing, where did you get a phone book?
Her: You look great without glasses
Me: I don’t wear glasses
Her: *putting them back on* I do
I went on 3 dates with Elijah Wood before I realized he wasn’t Daniel Radcliffe
Therapist: Why did you bring a lawyer to a therapy session?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
Just found out my 6yo has mono and the doctor who diagnosed her asked if anyone in the house has similar symptoms, including excessive fatigue. Um, Sir, based on that alone, I’ve had mono since 2009.
Laughed hysterically and said “Oh yes, please do” after the pizza shop guy asked if he could put the sauce in my box. I think I scared him.
I hope my liberal use of made-up words doesn’t make you…discomfortable
Them: Are you a frontend or backend developer?
Me: *winking* I’m pretty developed in both places.
Anyways, that’s how I ended up in HR.
What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?
HDMI
Me: Listen, I brush and I floss!! You won’t find anything!!
Cop: It’s not that kind of cavity search, ma’am.
One time, when the kids were teenagers,
we tried to ditch them on a family holiday.It didn’t work, unfortunately.
They found us.
I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.
[Spelling Bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘babe’
Bee: B-A-E
J: Sorry. There’s another ‘B’
Bee: WHAT! WHERE?
*goes crazy*
*stings Judge*
*dies*
There is nothing more important to me than my family that I pretend to have when I order takeout over the phone.
[Breaking up]
It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.
Santa: he works one day a year and spends the rest of it judging you.
Sometimes when I’m in the shower I’ll hear a strange noise and start singing EXTRA good in case the intruder has some connections.
[parking garage]
FBI: got the file?
Me: [attempts to whistle but spits on Agent]
FBI: for the last time that’s not Whistleblowing
Was Earth Day something that happened by accident or did somebody planet?
I don’t go out very much because I’m broke, but oh boy, once I’m rich, I’m gonna have to come up with another excuse.
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet grape was just eaten by his twin sister
It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.
The IBS drug commercial that mentions “urgent diarrhea” implies there’s also a laid back, non-urgent form of diarrhea that I’ve never had.
me: my christmas gift to you, dear children, is teaching you the magic of giving
my kids: are ALL the presents for you
me: yes, but they’re FROM you and I LOVE them