IKEA challenge: assemble anything with drawers
IKEA double challenge: add cats
IKEA triple challenge: now wine
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date: this is so romantic
me: just the two of us
date: and the stars
me: and the moon
the moon: *winks at my date*
me: *narrowing eyes* son of a-
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Humidity, to Heat
judge: what do you have to say for yourself
scooby-doo villain: i was legally startling trespassers on my own private property and was wrongfully arrested and imprisoned by a group of high teenagers
judge: oh damn
me: *getting murdered*
wait.. did you wash your hands?
Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.
the prophecy has been fulfilled
*buys Sushi for Dummies*
*preheats oven*
*reads first page of Sushi for Dummies*
*turns off oven*
Do you also get pissed off when you walk into a public restroom and someone else is there and you have to wash your hands? Just me then
My ex texted “You’ve got a friend in me. XoXo”.
I thought she was being too nice until I realized that she was talking about my buddy Dave.
My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.
Beast: This castle is your home now, so you can go anywhere you like, except the West Wing.
Me: Okay, but is that right or left?
– “Did you know a swan can break a full-grown man’s heart?”
– “I think you mean arm?”
– “NO I DON’T!!”
*Runs away sobbing, bread spilling everywhere*
Mom just reminded me of the time I got in trouble at church for purposefully and repeatedly pronouncing the “Ch” sound in Christ and pretending that I hadn’t heard the correct pronunciation before.
The overwhelming urge to stick my finger in queso every time I see some is why I could never work at a Mexican restaurant.
Hear me out….
A pub crawl, but to bakeries.
So this is how I learned my work calendar wasn’t private.
I buried our dead snowman in the neighbor’s backyard
“Okay, try putting it in reverse.”
I’ve been meaning to give my car a thorough cleaning, so I think I’ll leave a bottle of hand sanitizer on the dash and tempt fate.
I have so many questions.
[police interrogation]
COP 1: Just confess and we’ll be lenient
ME: What is this, “Good Cop”, “Several Raccoons In A Human Suit Cop”?
COP 1: What?
COP 2: OH GOD HE’S ONTO US
COP 2: *explodes into like a half dozen raccoons and scatters across the police department*
ZzzQuil should come with a warning label saying “May cause you to wake up naked at a 7 Eleven while everyone is staring at you.”
“Did you get that thing done I asked you for?”
I like to intentionally barge into guys wearing camo and then look around bewildered like I have no idea what I just ran into.
Flowers bee like
i aspire to be the type of grandparent my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
Hi, I’m Angie.
You may remember me from such instances as: Where did all the vodka go? Is ur friend ok? Or: Who’s responsible for this girl?
Waitress: And what can I get for you, hon?
Jesus: I’ll have…….. (snickering) a water
Taking bets on how long my kid will proudly trip over the pillowcase she’s wearing because pants weren’t “fluffy enough” this morning
*lets out a blood curdling scream* HELP MY BLOOD IS CURDLING