Saving Private Ryan but it’s just me retrieving my daughters favourite toy that she’s dropped down the toilet
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*Shovel
*Lye
*GlovesCashier: “Gardening project?”
Me: “Nope”*Bleach
*Duct tape
*Tarp
Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?
*me, at the bank, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my 12 dollars lives
They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants know the American Dream is hit or miss.
Good news: He told me I was his penguin.
Bad news: Penguins only have sex once a year.
Dr. Seuss would have CRUSHED it on 8 Mile.
Women drinking coffee.
My three favorite things.
Batman v Dracula
13: Mom, you look younger every day!
Me: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
Me: How young?
13: 29
Me: Go get my wallet.
There should be a polygamist version of the Bachelor where he says yes to all 30 women on the first night and the season ends after one episode
One two three whole cakes devoured, and suddenly nobody believes you’re on a diet
Son #1 put our house on Yelp and left a review that said the food is good but the kitchen staff is grumpy.
The Dominos “tracker” says Ashley just left with my pizza so I only have a few minutes to get naked. Just glad it’s not Brad…
…again.
Don’t bore a girl by saying she’s beautiful, like every other shallow creep
Grab her interest by saving her from a staged hostage situation
When you’re totalitarian but still want people to have choices…
I mean I married my wife for her looks, but not the dirty ones she’s been giving me lately.
*brings butter gun to butter knife fight*
Bee: I got a stinger bro!
Dung beetle: Nice! [enters gods office] Sorry I’m late. Whats my special power?
God: [clearly annoyed] Eating shit
Well, son, back in my day, we didn’t have a fancy robot to turn the tv on for us. We only had a boomerang.
*parks outside your house*
*holds up pepperoni pizza*
You can confuse and ultimately disappoint a lot of people if your trick or treating costume is “pizza delivery man”
At my funeral, I’m stipulating in my will that after the eulogy is read the crowd can have 15 minutes for rebuttal, just to be fair.
me: dating is tough, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: so here’s everything i know about the jonestown massacre
The ONE time I actually want to say “duck”, damn you autocorrect!
“Sorry again! I’d love to join the preschool field trip to the DUCK pond”
Arby’s is good, no bird problem, very few bird in restaurant, Arby’s, “where there are not very many birds” that’s our new slogan
My brother and his girlfriend were complaining about jet lag in Paris so I told him to think of it as training for when they have children and never sleep again. Except they won’t be in Paris.
Every time I text this guy, he replies with “Sorry, I’m driving.” It’s been a few days. I’m guessing he’s probably made it to Mexico by now.
I want to be cremated when I die, or at the very least sautéed.
saw a post asking “would you rather wear a fedora every second for the rest of your life, or every beverage you drink for the rest of your life has 2 drops of pee in it” and i thought the answer was obviously pee until i said this out loud to another person and saw their face
girlfriend asks you to get wine: You’re getting laid
wife asks you to get wine: You’re getting yelled at