me (hungover):
Why do I have a photo of me with a fire hydrant?wife:
Because last night you wanted a picture with R2D2.
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Me: It’ll be nice to have a dog around, we won’t have to worry about intruders
My dog: It’s a new person! Please come in and take whatever you want. I’ll be over here on my back waiting for a belly rub
Ways to contact strangers, from least to most creepy:
1) Text
2) Call
3) Doorbell
4) Urinal Convo
5) Backseat popup
6) Under bed ankle grab
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a pathologist.
Me: Cool! I love hiking too.
PMS: Your eyes look empty.
ME: I feel great.
PMS: Better put mascara on.
ME: To look pretty?
PMS: To look crazy when I make you cry.
My 3yr old lost her mind because I apparently hurt her doll’s feelings. I swear I’ve been nothing but polite to that doll but now it’s on.
You can’t tell me to make mental health a priority and also keep putting calorie counts on restaurant menus.
Ponytail so tight, I no longer have forehead wrinkles.
This happened in my sink by accident and it looks like I’m trying to cast a spell to summon soup
Fortune Cookie:
You will go on a date with a beautiful woman. She could do so much better.
“Mind control agents in chem trails sounds crazy? That’s EXACTLY what the govt wants”
Bride: I shouldn’t have let you write your own vows
I’ve concluded English is my phone’s second language. It’s the only explanation for all the bizarre autocorrects and typos that plague me.
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
Girlfriend: YOU NEED TO MOVE ON
Me (sliding Blockbuster card back into my wallet): I’m trying…
Me: It’s cute how obsessed you are with me. All you talk about is what I’ve done.
Judge: That’s my job!
Dear Captchas,
I swear I’m not a robot, just really *really* stupid
Your honor I didn’t teach myself the ukulele for fun I did it to defend myself in court today through song
So my 5 year old’s stuffed owl and his stuffed mouse are best friends, and I don’t know how to break the news to him…
Them: Hey girl what’s your sign
Me: McDonalds Open 24 hours
My husband found me lying on the sofa and said the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.
So grateful for pillows. My head works hard, it deserves its own widdle bed.
Im on a date I want to leave how do i leave without-nevermind I said that out loud he left
[at a funeral home]
ME: One death please
3 fought tooth and nail over not putting on pants under a dress this morning. I explained it was weather appropriate.
3: How about I put them on now and take them off at school?
She’s going to crush high school.
What do you call a Magician without any magic?
Ian.
You never feel as old as when you’re scrolling down to find your birth year
[playing poker]
“I’m all in”
*slowly pushes a half-eaten burrito and a cat to middle of the table*
Normal Person (being inconvenienced): I deserve better than this
Me (being stabbed w/swords): I’m so sorry for getting blood on your swords
Please bear with my nonsense…
…I’ve been in a very dork place lately.
Wait what do you mean Jesus loves me? Did he say something to you? OMG I’m freaking out right now tell me his exact words.