I bought my dog a new bed because apparently a living room full of furniture and a king size bed isn’t comfy enough.
You Might Also Like
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power
My husband just started assembling a bookshelf so I guess we’re fighting now.
Who needs fireworks when I have aluminum foil and a microwave?
I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..
Normal people eating: *CRUNCH* *SLURP* *GULP* 🙂
Me eating: If I make any noise at all whilst eating people might judge me and I MIGHT DIE
Gave our gerbil a piece of kale from the garden. Now it’s complaining about gluten and begging for its own little pair of Uggs.
Two seats open.
One next to a good looking girl who noticed me as I walked in.
The other by a wall outlet.She’ll find love in another man.
waitress: are there any allergies at this table?
me, already drunk: POLLEN
6:32 a.m.
Me: Good morn—
6: I’m dizzy, nauseous, and dehydrated
“Is Pepsi okay?”
– waitress slowly leafing through Pepsi’s disturbing drawings.
Sometimes I get my Twitter app and my Tinder app confused. I know now that talking about skin suits to prospective dates is not “funny”.
Officer: Ma’am we take these complaints very seriously so we do need to search your home.
Me: But not the basement, right?
My dandruff is so bad, I leaned over the fish tank. They thought it was feeding time.
Batman: Why so down?
Aquaman: People think I’m not a real superhero. I’m tired of being walked all over.
*[Jesus enters]
Aquaman: Dammit!
Whenever Im in trouble, I think, What would Jesus do?
Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for 3 days.
Mob boss: fellas, restrain him
me: you can’t restrain me if you’ve never strained me
Mob boss: and gag him
(first date)
Her: I work in a science lab.
Me: (trying to impress) I donated my brain for research.
Scissors Commercial:
*Montage of people karate chopping paper in half*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better… Nevermind that was rad
*me at Target*
“Hey baby, you want some of this?”
*offering to share my chocolate Twizzlers*
Her: *calls security*
~Flirting is so hard
If you need a laugh.. 😅
My watch battery is fully charged.
So I got some time
[when i was a kid]
DAD: remember, if a girl is mean to you, that means she likes you
[today]
MY BOSS: you screwed everything up this week you idiot
ME: sorry, i’m not really looking for a relationship right now
[a guy walking his dog grabs my purse and they run off]
Me: Hey, that’s not nice! You get back here this instant and let me pet that dog!
There’s no law that says it has to be night to howl at the moon.
Might see you guys in 15-25yrs. Weekend with my folks & it’s only a matter of time before I snap.
Me: So, hypothetically speaking, if we were dating would I get any free food?
Her: Uh, excuse me?
Me: *sigh* #1 combo with cheese, please.
I just got kicked out of flat earth Facebook group because I asked if the 6 foot social distancing had pushed anyone over the edge yet .
COP: License and registration please.
ME: *hands him $30 in Kohl’s cash*
COP: What do you think you’re doing?
ME: *slides him 20% Bed Bath & Beyond coupon*
COP: Have a good night.
Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
Sorry you asked a yes or no question and I talked for 12 days