Doctor: Are you getting enough exercise?
Me: Define “you”
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The most unrealistic element of Jurassic Park is the part where an American theme parks investors become concerned after a single worker is killed
science teacher: scorpions have 10 to 12 eyes
kid (taking notes) s-c-o-r-p-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-I-o-n which is it? 10 or 12?
To the raisin I just beat to death with my shoe..
Eww! I thought you were a spider.
Eww! Someone’s bringing raisins in my house.
Q: If everyone jumped off a cliff, would you?
A: I don’t know. If everyone used the same hypothetical question to demonstrate a point, would you?
Kid: Dad, where do babies come from?
Me: Um…
Kid:
Me: You mix baby oil with baby powder. Stir in baby peas. Then you-
Kid: I’m asking mom.
Me: ᵒʰ ᵗʰᵃⁿᵏ ᵍᵒᵈ
It was Timothy’s second week undercover, and frankly, he was getting absolutely nowhere.
[first date]
ME: *staring at phone* So then you just come up with something funny and people RT you
WAITER: Sir, your date left 20 min ago
It’s bullshit that you can accidentally make a baby, but not something awesome like a soufflé.
Him: My friend got me a Fitbit
Me: Oh yeah, heard of them, haven’t got one though
Him: You can buy them online
Me *whispering* you can buy friends online?!
When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.
“They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch. That ends today!” — me as I rally lunches everywhere to overthrow their oppressors
The main city in DuckTales being called ‘Duckburg’ is mad. Imagine a human city called Manchester
[after first date]
Him: I had a great time, I’d love to see you again
Her: Yes, we should do this again sometime but with other people
‘Trying to figure out why the police and I seem to chase the same type of guys’
Just remembered when out of embarrassment I told a train passenger I was crying because my boyfriend dumped me when the real reason was I was listening to the Lion King soundtrack
MORPHEUS: choose the red pill or the blue pill
NEO: which one turns into the coolest dinosaur
*holds up gun*
GIVE ME ALL YOUR HONEY!Bank: You mean money?
*giggles*
Oh, bother…– Pooh robbing a bank
You’re not a mistake.
Mistakes can be fixed.You’re hopeless.
When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.
I wonder if all the other popcorn kernels in the bag freak out when the first kernel pops
Old man in public library is watching gladiator clip by clip on youtube while his wife sits next to him reading a magazine and frowning. On this floor a homeless man is reading prince harrys biography and I am flipping through a table sized atlas looking at maps of central Asia
Squid really does seem like the perfect name for that thing
Me: Our neighbor died last night
Him: Who, Ray?
Me: My God honey, I know you didn’t like him but it’s not something to celebrate
Don’t become a scientist y’all, it’s a trap.
When it works, you gotta do more experiments.
When it doesn’t work, you gotta do more experiments.
Of course I’m desirable, I have many snacks hidden about my person, I’m a veritable buffet!
FIRED? But I just started! How could I have known we don’t do casual Fridays here? Fine. Direct your own goddamn funeral. *flip-flops away*
You can lead a horse to water but it’s pretty crowded there because of all the men you taught to fish in that other proverb.
Life’s not about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning how to Riverdance around a broken bottle of olive oil in aisle 6.
I’m young, but not “know exactly why I came into this room” young.
You want real 2020 energy? I went to the woods to avoid COVID and now helicopters are flying over my cabin because a killer is on the loose