I don’t know who put chairs in the elevator, but that’s a kind of laziness that I can respect.
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Idioms are annoying so I won’t count chickens that cry over spilt milk at the drop of a hat or bark up the wrong apples and oranges tree because at the end of the day, it is what it is, and it ain’t over til the fat lady kills two birds with a piece of cake.
GF: every time we fight you start interpretive dancing
*i dance beautifully for 12 minutes*
GF: I DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!
psa: clockwise doesn’t change just because you’re left-handed
Just a little reminder that the eight spiders you swallowed aren’t thrilled about it either
I just want a stalker that will power wash my deck while I’m at work
The cheese grader saw me walk in the house with a bag of shredded cheddar and shit got real awkward.
I lost my virginity once and lemme tell you…
NEVER. AGAIN.
Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex
Psychiatrist (swinging a pocket watch): You are feeling verrry sleepy…
Me: No shit, doc. I suppose next you’re gonna tell me I’m feeling sad and fat.
I let my son go to bed last night with his Nintendo Switch and he called me a good dad. This parenting shit is easy!
Don’t let herpes become yourpes.
[Wedding day]
Bride: *coming down the aisle* WTF? You’re wearing the same dress as me!?!?
Me: Well THIS is awkward
Priest: *in same dress* Ok. One of us has to change
Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.
girls will post pictures with “my day one💘💓” and it’s just some girl named Sarah that they met at the bar last week
i will email myself something and then immediately stress once i hear the email notification bc i already forgot :/
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
My Son: In my dream last night we were on the second floor of a restaurant, and the WEIRDEST THING HAPPENED.
Me: I love when restaurants have second floors.
My Son: It’s really fancy!
Me: It’s the best!
~ Team Lack of Focus, reporting for duty
BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement
[Showing Tom Cruise a video of me putting on a sock while standing] I do my own stunts too.
[Shopping with teen son]
*sees hot girl*
*waits until she gets close*
*grabs box of adult diapers*“How are you doing on Depends bud?”
Everyone is fighting a battle (with goblins) that you know nothing about (because you failed a perception check)
Always a bit depressed when I pass my ex’s house and see that it still hasn’t burned to the ground.
If you’re trying to console someone who has a tattoo with their ex’s name on and they just broke up, don’t say ‘haha that’s tattoo bad.’
Good news: I’m finally able to button my super skinny jeans.
Bad news: I’m not wearing them.
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
I’m thinking about getting an arm tattooed on my snake.
Is it too late to drop myself off at the fire station?
*puts my hair in a ponytail
IG influencer: here’s why we don’t do that.
Shout out to the top 5 geons in the world, dun, smid, blud, pi and neurosur.
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Gen Z = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like and don’t understand
My ex once told me that she still had feelings for me but then clarified that they were all negative ones