Neil Diamond: 馃幎HANDS…
TOUCHIN’ HANDS馃幎
CDC: NO
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馃ゲ
If my memory foam mattress really had “memory,” it could write for Penthouse.
9-year-old: *fighting with her sisters* It’s my turn for the remote!
Me: You’re going to school in two minutes. What does it matter?
9: It matters for two minutes.
I want my funeral to have invitations with RSVP requests so my introvert friends can decline but still feel good about being invited.
guys i’ve cracked the code
I’m starting a frequently terrible drycleaner called autopleat
me: *sees a dead bird* this is a bad omen
wife: you’re ruining thanksgiving
Hell hath no fury like 2 parties who each think they have booked the conference room for the day.
I鈥檓 in court with another one of those attorneys who licks their fingers before turning every single page in their file.
I do not regret the contempt fine I鈥檓 about to receive, but this must stop.
My car’s GPS has learned to say “Your other left.”
Had salad for the third night in a row and now I get why you’re so angry, vegans
NASA has no chill
Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.
I suck in my stomach when I weigh myself like my scale will be all “oh she’s much thinner than I thought, I’ll adjust the numbers.”
FRIEND: ready to go body surfing?
ME: [unstrapping a corpse from my car roof] let’s do it
Against the wall, on the counter and bent over the couch are the places I like to stretch.
*pronounces GIF like graphics interchange format*
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: thank god, I thought you were going to kill me
Watching the Flintstones and the Monkees as a kid gave me an unreasonable expectation that I would be spending a lot more nights in haunted mansions to inherit my kooky dead uncle鈥榮 fortune.
Someone knocked at my door asking if I would like to donate to the children’s home so I just chucked him a few kids
captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*
me: great now who鈥檚 gonna do the news
Coworker: did you get a tan?
Me (fell asleep in my spaghetti last night): yes thank you for noticing, Ethan
I have my own hand stamper at home so my coworkers will think I went someplace fun the night before.
Announcer: “Welcome to the Super Bowl 50 Halftime Show. Are you ready to rock?!”
[crowd goes nuts]
A: “Well too bad, here’s Coldplay”
Welcome to adulthood: your chin looks lonely, here鈥檚 another one.
I’m not ashamed to say that when I saw everyone was getting these new “selfie sticks” for Xmas I thought it was some new fantastic deodorant
There is no “we” in pizza
I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day.
-why spelling matters
*weighs self*
“Shit”
*takes clothes off*
“GODDAMMIT”
*takes tampon out*